No Day But Today
by rps-lizardspock
Summary: When McCoy gives Jim some bad news, Jim breaks things off with Spock, but will he regret his decision?
1. Chapter 1

Jim let out a deep breath as he lay on his back staring at the ceiling. He had gone to sickbay when his shift was over and then gone back to the room he shared with Spock. A tear fell as he replayed the conversation he'd had with Bones in his head.

_"I'm sorry, Jim," McCoy said, a hand resting on Jim's shoulder._

_"There's nothing you can do?" Jim asked, forcing his voice to stay level. "All the advanced medicine and there's no cure for this?"_

_"Not yet, no," McCoy answered, sadness evident in his voice. "But you can bet your ass I'll work as hard as I can to find one."_

_"I appreciate it, Bones," Jim said with a small smile. "So... how long until..."_

_"It's hard to say. A couple of months? Four at the most, but it could be as little as one month, Jim."_

_"Right," Jim said, taking a deep breath to try and remain calm. He stood up and McCoy stepped back to allow Jim to pass._

_"I'll figure something out, Jim," McCoy promised._

_"I know you'll try, Bones, and there's no one else I'd rather have working on this, but even you're not a miracle worker."_

_"You have to stay optimistic, Jim," McCoy said._

_"Yeah, right," Jim said distractedly. "I'll see you later."_

_"Jim, wait," Bones stopped him as he was about to walk out the door. "What are you going to do?"_

_"I'm feeling really tired, so I'm just going to go to bed," Jim answered, without looking at Bones._

_"That's not what I meant."_

_"I know. I don't know what I'm going to do, Bones." Jim left without ever looking back._

So he'd come back to go over his options and came up with what he thought was the best one. He stood up and walked over to the dresser, willing his hands to stop shaking as he pulled open the drawer to reveal his uniforms. He wiped away another tear before pulling out everything that belonged to him and setting it on the bed. He was about to walk to the closet and grab a bag to throw it all in when he heard the door open from behind him. He took a deep breath before turning around. It was now or never.

"Jim?"

"Spock."

"What are you doing?" Spock asked and though it would have been damn near impossible for anyone else to see, Jim noticed the confusion on Spock's face.

"I'm packing my stuff," Jim said simply before turning back around and going to the closet for a bag.

"I do not understand," Spock said and it took all Jim had not to turn around because he knew the moment he did he would break down.

"This isn't going to work out," Jim said, removing the bag from the closet and moving back to the bed without turning around.

"May I ask what brought this on?" Spock asked and Jim picked up on the slight emotion in his voice.

"I've just been thinking and I realized this isn't what I want. I mean, I'm Jim Kirk, I don't do commitment. Surely you didn't really believe that I'd be able to be faithful to just one person for the rest of my life?"

"But you are the one who proposed the idea of this relationship," Spock stated. Jim kept his back turned as he threw his belongings into the bag as quickly as possible.

"Yeah, must have been out of my mind," Jim said, fighting the tears that were threatening to fall. "But hey, it was fun while it lasted, right? And don't worry, you can keep this room, I'll just move into your old quarters so I don't inconvenience you."

"I still don't understand what..."

"It's simple, Spock, I changed my mind. Human's do that. Just another illogical thing we do, I suppose. We're not as inclined as Vulcan's to mate forever." Jim zipped his bag up and took a deep breath, willing his tears back, before turning around.

"Jim..."

"I did love you, if that helps. I hadn't lied to you." _iNot before just now,/i_ Jim thought. He walked over to Spock until he was standing right in front of him. He leaned forward and kissed him briefly on the lips, his heart breaking when Spock didn't reciprocate at all.

"I'm sorry," Jim said before leaving the room. He quickly made his way through the hall to where his new room would be and ignoring all the people giving him weird looks as he passed hurriedly with all the belongings he could fit into one bag. When he reached the room he punched in the access code before walking in, throwing the bag onto the bed and stumbling over to the bathroom. He barely made the toilet before emptying the contents of his stomach and allowing himself to cry.

_This is what's best, _he tried to convince himself as he stood up and cleaned his face at the sink. More tears fell that he didn't bother to wipe away as he stumbled towards the bed.

"This is best," he said out loud as if it would make it fact. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep. He wasn't lying to Bones earlier, he really had been tired, but now he was exhausted. It took awhile, but he eventually fell into a fitful sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

He woke the next day still tired, but forced himself to get out of bed and headed for the bathroom. He looked at himself in the mirror and wasn't shocked at all at how tired he appeared. He splashed water on his face and straightened his hair as best he could before deeming himself acceptable and moved to get dressed and then headed for the bridge for his shift.

When he arrived on the bridge he noted that he was the last one to arrive and he tried to ignore the glare he received from Uhura. He didn't even try to look over at Spock before settling down in his chair.

"Sulu, report," Jim said, doing his best to pretend there wasn't any tension between him and his crew.

"We're currently traveling in warp one toward..." Whatever he was going to say was cut off by a voice from Jim's right.

"Jim!" He didn't have to turn to know it was Bones.

"Doctor, Sulu was in the middle of a sentence and I'm working. Surely this can wait?"

"Actually, _Captain_," McCoy said and suddenly he was right in front of Jim. "I insist you come with me."

"Bones, can't we do this later?" Jim hissed at him.

"You can either come with me, or we can have this conversation here in front of your crew. Your choice." Jim could see that Bones was completely serious and sighed.

"Fine," Jim huffed. "Mr. Spock, you have the conn," he said, still not looking at Spock, not wanting to have to face him. He got up and quickly left the bridge, McCoy right behind him.

They walked in silence to sickbay and if McCoy noticed Jim's slower pace he didn't mention it. When they walked in, McCoy signaled to his office and Jim moved to it without a sound, sitting himself down in one of the chairs in the room. McCoy closed the door and locked it before speaking.

"What the hell are you doing?" McCoy demanded.

"Sitting here talking to you, Bones," Jim said innocently.

"Smart ass. What were you doing on the bridge?"

"Umm, working? You see, I'm the captain of this ship and..."

"You should be resting, Jim," McCoy said, his voice softening. "Did you sleep at all last night? You look exhausted."

"I am exhausted," Jim admitted. "And I slept, just not very well."

"Which brings me to my next question," McCoy said and Jim cringed.

"So you heard?"

"It's amazing how fast gossip travels on a starship amongst adults. What were you thinking, Jim?"

"I was thinking that this is what's best. This way he'll think I don't love him and by time I'm gone he'll have gotten over me. We were getting too close, too attached. I want him to be able to easily go on after I..." He trailed off

"Goddamn it, Jim," McCoy sighed. "He's going to find out, you know."

"Not from me, he isn't."

"You're going to get sicker, Jim. Right now you're just tired, but it won't take long for your condition to deteriorate and you won't be able to work anymore."

"I know."

"Jeez, kid," Bones said. "You're going to need him through this. It's not going to be easy."

"Yeah, I read the information you gave me. I'll manage and then you'll sweep in with your miracle cure and everything will be just fine. But on the chance that that doesn't happen, I want to make sure he'll be alright."

"Do you really think this is fair to him? I know he's a cold-hearted bastard, but..."

"He feels a lot more than you think, Bones, trust me."

"All the more reason to rethink this! How would you feel if the person you loved was... how would you feel if he were the one doing this to you?"

"God, Bones, I know," Jim breathed, running his hand over his face and slumping further into his chair. "I know, alright? I just... I can't do this. I know how I would feel if it were him, how I would feel having to watch him... I don't want him to do that, alright? I don't want this to be harder on him than it has to be."

"And it's not hard on him you just dumping him like that?"

"Bones..."

"Fine, Jim, we'll drop this. Just... think about it, okay?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Good," Bones said. "Now, how are you feeling. And don't try lying to me because I'll know if you are."

"I'm tired," Jim said with a sigh and shifted in his chair. "And I'm sore."

"Sore?" McCoy asked, stepping out of best friend mode and into doctor mode. "Sore how?"

"Just achy, like when you have the flu, you know?"

"Okay," McCoy nodded. He stood up and grabbed his tricorder before walking back over to Jim and scanning him. "You have a bit of a fever, too. I can give you something for that."

"Thanks," Jim said, closing his eyes.

"I can give you something to make you less 'achy', too," McCoy said. "But it'll make you tired and I don't suppose you'd listen to me and take the day off to rest, would you?"

"Yeah," Jim said after a moments hesitation. "As long as I don't have to rest in sickbay."

"Seriously? You'd take my advice and skip work today? You must feel worse than you're telling me," McCoy said skeptically.

"No, I'm telling you the truth, really," Jim promised. "I just... I'm too tired to face him right now."

"Oh."

"Yeah, so just give me your damn shots and I'll be on my way."

"Alright, just hold on," McCoy agreed and went to gather the appropriate drugs. He quickly, but gently administered the drugs before setting the empty hypos aside and helping Jim to stand. "C'mon, I'll walk with you, make sure you don't pass out on the way there."

"Thanks, Bones," Jim said, already feeling the effects of the drugs and becoming drowsy. They walked in relative silence through the halls, McCoy only making enough small talk to keep Jim alert and not saying a word when Jim started to lean on him as they walked. When they reached the door McCoy punched in the code that Jim gave him and all but carried Jim to the bed. He helped him dress down to underclothing before settling him into the bed and folding up the clothes.

"Okay, I'm going to let you rest, Jim," McCoy said as he stacked the clothing up on the dresser. "I'll let Spock know you're feeling a little under the weather and I've ordered you to rest. Page me if you need anything, understand?" McCoy nodded at Jim's nod and moved to leave the room, but stopped when Jim spoke.

"Bones?" Jim said sleepily and McCoy moved back over to the bed and sat down on the edge.

"Yeah, Jim, right here," he acknowledged and, noticing a tear rolling down Jim's face, brought his hand up to brush it away.

"I do love him, you know," Jim said, leaning into McCoy's touch.

"I know you do," McCoy answered.

"When I'm gone, can you make sure he knows that I loved him? Make sure he knows that I just want him to be happy?"

"Jim..."

"Please, just say yes, Bones."

"Yeah, Jim. I'll make sure he knows."

"M'kay, thanks," Jim mumbled before drifting off to sleep.

"Fuck," McCoy muttered before straightening the covers that he'd messed up and walking quietly out of the room. When the door shut behind him he leaned his back against it, closing his eyes tightly and letting out a deep breath before heading back toward sickbay. He never noticed Spock watching him.


	3. Chapter 3

**IMPORTANT**

**Please read: **I'm so sorry guys, but last chapter wasn't last chapter. I posted wrong. It's been replaced by the correct chapter now, but if you read this story yesterday when I posted it then you read what was supposed to be the next chapter (4). Please go back and read that one. Sorry I goofed.

* * *

When McCoy got back to his office he immediately began pouring over every relevant book that he had. It just figured that Jim would be the one to contract something that even 24th Century medicine couldn't heal. He was determined to find something to help him because he couldn't imagine his life without his best friend. He heard a knock at the door and cringed slightly when he saw it was Spock.

"Come in," McCoy said and if Spock noticed a reluctance in his voice he didn't say anything.

"Dr. McCoy," Spock greeted. "May I inquire as to why the captain did not return to the bridge when he was done with his conversation with you?"

"Yeah, I was actually going to call up there, but I got distracted. Jim's feeling a little ill so I hypo'd him and sent him to bed. He should be feeling better by his next shift."

"So when I saw you leaving his room that was..."

"Strictly professional," Bones cut him off angrily. "The drug I gave him made him drowsy and someone had to make sure he didn't pass out on the way there."

"I see. So that was all that was happening? You were performing your duties as CMO?"

"What are you getting at, Spock?" McCoy asked, not liking where this was going.

"I am trying to ascertain the exact nature of your relationship with the captain."

"You mean you want to know if I'm fucking your boyfriend?"

"I did not phrase it as crudely, nor is he my 'boyfriend', but essentially, yes."

"Why, would it make you feel better to know that he left you because he was cheating on you? Because he found someone he wanted better?"

"Quite the contrary, I believe that would make it worse, however, it would help me to better understand the reasoning for him ending our relationship so abruptly."

"Did he not give you a reason?"

"He simply said that he changed his mind, but did not indicate whether or not there was something that helped him come to his decision."

"So you just assume that he was cheating?"

"Given his past, I do not see why this would be an inaccurate assumption."

"Christ, Spock!" McCoy exclaimed. "Jim's going... I promise you, he was not cheating on you. He would never have done that."

"I will take you at your word, Doctor," Spock said and McCoy almost swore he saw some emotion spread across Spock's face, but as soon as it appeared it was gone.

"Great, now if that's it, I have a lot of work to do."

"Actually," Spock said. "May I inquire as to why the captain is unfit for duty today? He seemed tired today, but I've seen him work despite exhaustion."

"You can ask," McCoy sighed. "But doctor/patient confidentiality prevents me from saying anything."

"I understand, Doctor. Thank you for your time," Spock said before leaving the room. McCoy breathed a sigh of relief that he was gone and hoped that Jim really knew what he was doing as he began to pour over his books again.


	4. Chapter 4

In case you skipped over the note last chapter: this was originally posted as chapter two. It was out of place, but is now where it belongs. Sorry for the inconvenience.

* * *

When Jim woke hours later he was a little disoriented at first, not recognizing where he was, but after a moment it all came back to him and he felt his heart twinge in sadness. He hoped he was doing the right thing in letting Spock go, letting him get used to a life without him in it so that when he was gone the pain would be less. He hadn't anticipated the pain that he would feel himself, though. He'd never had anything like Spock in his life. Someone who loved him and supported him unconditionally. He was finally happy and then this happened. He knew what he was in store for. He'd read the literature. There was going to be the fatigue, but he could handle that for awhile. Then there'd be the nausea and muscle aches and fever. All very terran flu-like until his body started to shut down and the symptoms would triple. It would happen soon, he knew, in maybe as soon as a months time and that was the part he was not looking forward to.

Growing up he often thought about what it'd be like to die. He always thought that he'd like to go out like his father, as a hero, saving hundreds of lives. As he got older he stopped thinking about it so much. Going out and partying and drinking and fucking. He figured he'd die long before he got the chance to make something of his life and so he just stopped thinking about it. He never imagined it would be like this, though. That he would be sick until he died, waiting for his best friend to find a miracle cure, because the alternative would be to just give up.

There was a knock at his door and Jim sighed before rolling out of bed to see who was there. He let out a sigh of relief when he saw that it was Bones and stepped aside to let him in.

"How are you feeling?" McCoy asked as soon as the door shut behind him.

"Better," Jim said, and was shocked that it was actually true. He didn't feel as tired and his muscles were much less sore.

"Good, that's good," McCoy said distractedly.

"Yeah," Jim agreed. "That stuff did the trick. You don't have anything that's not as strong, though, do you? It really knocked me out and I can't afford to literally spend the rest of my life sleeping."

"Oh sure I do," McCoy said a hint of annoyance in his voice. "But guess what?"

"I'm allergic to it?"

"You're allergic to it," McCoy answered.

"Great," Jim sighed.

"Mmhm," McCoy acknowledged, again distracted.

"Okay, what's wrong, Bones?" Jim asked.

"You mean besides not knowing how to help you?" He asked sarcastically.

"Yeah, besides that."

"Spock came to see me today."

"He... umm, he did?" Jim said, willing his heart beat to slow. "Umm, what did he..."

"He thinks you left him for me, Jim."

"He what?"

"He saw me coming out of your room this morning."

"Oh. Crap. What did you tell him?"

"Are you serious?" McCoy asked. "I told him he was out of his mind for thinking you would leave him for me."

"Maybe you should have let him believe it was true," Jim muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing. Did he believe you?"

"I think so. I don't know. You know how he is."

"Right. Just so you know and don't come to the bridge to yell at me again, I'm going back to work tomorrow. I'm not going to just sit back and do nothing all day just because I'm... sick."

"I know."

"And you can't talk me out of it, cause I... wait, you're not going to argue with me?"

"Nope. I know you know how serious this is, but I also know you and you're not going to listen to me if I say bed rest anyway, so you're clear for light work."

"Oh," Jim said. "Well, good."

"Jim, have you really thought about this?" McCoy asked. "How are you going to keep this from everyone. If you're too sick to work people are going to get suspicious."

"I don't care about everyone else. I just care about Spock. I'll leave if I have to."

"You will not," McCoy snapped. "You're not going anywhere away from me and you're certainly not going off to... to be alone like some wounded fucking animal, Jim."

"Bones, I really don't know, alright?" Jim sighed. "I'll figure something out when the time comes."

"Are you sure you want to do this without him, Jim?"

"No," he admitted sadly. "It scares the crap out of me, actually, to have to go through this alone."

"But you're not going to change your mind, are you?"

"No. I don't want to be selfish. I want him to be able to move on."

"You're allowed to be a little selfish here, Jim. And I'm certain he would most definitely allow you selfishness."

"I just want him to be able to move on. If he has to hate me while I'm still here to do that, then so be it."

"And when I find my miracle cure? What are you going to do then?"

"I'll explain everything and hope he forgives me. And if it's too late, well, maybe he's better off without me anyway."

"You know that's not true, Jim."

"Do I? He didn't even fight for me when I said I was leaving. Just wanted an explanation."

"That was just Spock being Spock. You know that he loves you," McCoy told him. "You can read him better than anyone, can you honestly stand there and tell me that you saw no emotion in him when you were talking to him?"

"Well, I wasn't exactly looking at him. More like he was behind me while I packed my bag."

"Jim," McCoy sighed.

"I know, alright? Look, I really don't want to talk about this anymore."

"Fine," McCoy relented. "You need to get more sleep anyway if you're planning on going back to work tomorrow."

"I slept all day, Bones," Jim whined.

"Yes, and now you're going to sleep all night. I can give you something if you don't think you can sleep on your own."

Jim sighed. "That would probably be best." McCoy nodded and pulled out a hypo. "You were expecting to drug me, weren't you?"

"I always expect to drug you," McCoy said teasingly as he injected the drug into Jim. "Right, I'll get out of here and let you sleep then."

"Stay?" Jim asked quietly.

"Jim..."

"Just to sleep, obviously. It didn't realize how cold the bed gets when I'm the only one sleeping in it."

"I don't think that's such a good idea, Jim."

"We used to do it all the time at the academy."

"I seem to remember fucking your brains out at the academy as well," McCoy said with a smirk.

"Ah, friends with benefits. My most ingenious plan ever," Jim said. "Don't worry, though, I'm a one person kinda guy now... even if I'm not with that person anymore."

"Jim," McCoy sighed again.

"Please, Bones. You can even leave after I've fallen asleep if you really want to."

"Fine," McCoy agreed, pulling off his shirt. "Get into bed, I'll be there in a minute." Jim nodded as he watched McCoy walk into the bathroom. He walked over to the bed and laid down, trying to get comfortable. He couldn't believe how used to having another person in his bed he'd gotten. It had only been one night (and a whole day) in this room, in this bed and he already missed Spock intensely. He didn't know if he was making the right decision. He didn't know if Spock would find out the truth once he was gone and move on like he wants him to. He didn't know if he could go through this without him. But he'd made this choice... he just wished he didn't regret it so much. He looked up when McCoy came back into the room in his undershirt and boxers and moved over to make room for him on the bed. He turned with his back toward McCoy and moved toward him so his body was up against him, hoping McCoy would take the hint. He smiled when he felt strong arms wrap around him and closed his eyes, the drugs finally taking hold as he drifted off to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

The next morning he was awakened by someone poking his side and saying his name and for a moment he let himself believe it was Spock in the bed with him. But the voice was all wrong and the body next to him wasn't nearly warm enough.

"Bones?" He mumbled sleepily.

"Time to get up, kid. Your shift starts in an hour and I want you to try and eat something this morning."

"But I'm tired," Jim whined.

"Yes, and we went over this, you're going to be tired almost all the time. You're the one who insists on going to work despite your bad health. Now get up and take a shower, I don't feel like you being pissed at me for not making sure you woke up when you're coherent later."

"Fine," Jim relented, frowning when he felt himself being dragged out of the bed and led toward the bathroom. He pulled off his shirt and boxers, throwing them on the floor as he walked.

"Jesus, Jim," McCoy complained. "You could have waited until I had you in the bathroom and the door was shut."

"Nothing you haven't seen before," Jim shrugged. "I'm awake enough now to do this, Bones."

"Alright," McCoy agreed. "I have to go get ready myself, but there'll be something for you to eat waiting for you when you get out. I want you to try and eat all of it, alright?"

"Yeah, I'll try, Bones. Thanks for everything."

"No problem, kid. I'll stop by the bridge later to see how you're doing," McCoy said before turning back around to gather his clothes as Jim shut the door to the bathroom. Jim sighed as he started the shower, deciding to take his time this morning and spend the time taking a good old fashioned hot water shower to try and ease his already aching muscles. When he was done he was slightly more awake as he made his way into the bedroom and to the bag where his clothes were still located. He hadn't been able to bring himself to unpack them into this room. That would make this all too permanent for him and he wasn't ready to face that. He pulled out the clothes that he would need for the day and got dressed before turning to the food that McCoy had left out. Oatmeal, toast and orange juice. Just the sight of it made his already slightly nauseous stomach queasy. He ate the toast and drank the orange juice before dumping out the oatmeal and making his way slowly to the bridge.

He knew he shouldn't be surprised by his weakness, but he still didn't like the fact that it took him twice as long as normal to get to the bridge. He was just thankful that he managed to not pass anyone on the way there. When he arrived he noticed again that he was the last to arrive.

"Morning, Captain," Sulu greeted him cheerily. Jim nodded to him in response.

"Do we have a course set yet?" Jim asked.

"No, sir, we've yet to recieve orders from Starfleet," Sulu answered. _Great,_ Jim thought, _Going to be a boring day, then._

"Alright, thank you," Jim said and Sulu smiled before turning around to start a conversation with Chekov. Jim looked around the bridge, daring to glance at Spock today. He frowned when he saw that he was very close to Uhura and whispering in her ear. He knew that his jealousy was illogical, that she and Spock were just friends, and that he had no right to be jealous even if they were something more than that anymore, but he couldn't help himself. He made himself look away before they noticed him staring. He took a deep breath, reminding himself that this was what he chose, that he was doing the right thing.

He sighed before turning to the paper work that had built up the previous day, Spock obviously not finding it necessary to complete it in his absence. He began to sort through it, reading and signing where needed. He lost track of time after awhile and his eyes began to drift closed as his fatigue began to take over again. He must have fallen asleep because the next thing he was aware of was someone shaking his shoulder.

"Jim?" McCoy said, waking him up.

"Yeah, sorry. What's up?" Jim asked, rubbing his face with his hand.

"Nothing, really. Can I see you in medical for a minute?" McCoy asked and Jim ignored the scoff that came from Uhura's direction.

"Umm, sure. Yeah," he agreed. "Mr. Spock, take the conn until lunch?"

"Certainly, Captain," Spock answered and Jim thought that he detected a bit of concern in his voice. Jim glanced over to Spock and, seeing his face completely devoid of emotion, decided that he must have imagined it. He nodded before standing up and making his way off the bridge with McCoy. They walked slowly toward sickbay and by time they arrived Jim was leaning on McCoy slightly for support.

"Alright, so besides tired, how are you doing?" McCoy asked as he helped him over to a bed on the far side of sickbay so no one would bother or overhear them. "You need me to give you any drugs?"

"No, I think I'll just sleep through lunch. Should be fine after that."

"Did you eat the food I gave you this morning?"

"I ate the toast," Jim said tiredly. "I couldn't eat anymore, and I'm too nauseous to eat now."

"Right," McCoy sighed. "I'm going to hook you up to an IV while you're sleeping, then. I'll just have to pump you with nutrients if you're not going to eat them."

"That's fine," Jim yawned, laying back on the bed. McCoy frowned, but didn't comment on how Jim wasn't arguing with him like he normally did. Jim fell asleep almost instantly. McCoy set up the bag he needed before grabbing Jim's hand and sticking the needle in. He was glad Jim was asleep as he normally complained through this entire process. When he was finished and the needle and tubing was all taped in place he ran his hand through Jim's hair and sighed. Every minute he didn't spend sleeping or taking care of other patients he spent trying to find a cure for Jim, but he was making very little progress. He was afraid that his initial diagnosis of a couple months might have been a bit generous now that Jim's symptoms seemed to be progressing faster than he'd anticipated. He grabbed a blanket and draped it over Jim before turning away and pulling the curtain around him and going back to his office.

An hour later McCoy woke Jim up and detached his I.V. and sent him off to finish his shift for the day with strict orders to come back to see him if he was feeling unwell again. Jim just nodded and started his trek alone back to the bridge. He groaned inwardly when he saw Uhura waiting in the hall.

"Uhura," Jim greeted when he caught up to her.

"Captain, may I have a word?" She asked him.

"Of course, we'll walk and talk," Jim said, forcing a small smile.

"Permission to speak freely... Jim?"

"Oh, a personal conversation, then. Go ahead."

"When we met, I didn't like you and I continued to not like you for years," Uhura started.

"Yeah, I noticed," Jim said.

"You were stupid and arrogant and self-centered and I couldn't see why anyone would want to be around you, much less why anyone liked you, but lately I've come to respect you, and not just as my Captain, but as my friend."

"Well, thanks, Uhura, I..."

"I'm not done. As your friend, I feel that I'm perfectly at liberty to tell you what an ass I think you're being."

"Excuse me?" Jim asked, shocked at this.

"You heard me. If you wanted to break up with him, fine, that's your prerogative It's better for him to know now that you would never be able to commit to him then to have been with you for years only to have you cheat on him."

"Uhura..."

"But don't you think you flaunting this new relationship in his face is uncalled for?"

"What?" Jim asked, halting his steps. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"You and Dr. McCoy. It's bad enough that you've already moved on, or hell, that you even might have been cheating on Spock with McCoy, but you don't have to flaunt it in front of him every chance you get."

"I'm not..."

"Please. Today is the second day in a row that he's come to retrieve you from the bridge. Yesterday you didn't come back at all and today you're going back looking tired with your hair and clothes rumpled. I can't stop you from doing what you're doing, but I can ask you to not rub it in his face. This is hard enough on him as it is."

"It is?" Jim asked, the words coming out of his mouth before he could stop them.

"Yes, it is, Jim. He really thought you guys were the real thing and he thought that you were just as committed. He wont admit it, but it's breaking him apart inside seeing you with someone else. I'm just glad you two hadn't properly bonded yet, or this would all that much harder on him."

"I don't know what you want me to say," Jim admitted. "I'd try and deny the fact that I'm in a relationship with Bones, but something tells me you wouldn't believe me even if I did." Jim paused for a second and Uhura raised an eyebrow at him. "And I'm sorry for how things ended between me and Spock. I've never been sorrier about anything in my life."

"Then why did you end things? If you had cheated on him, I'm sure he would have forgiven you eventually..."

"I didn't cheat on him."

"Then what's the problem?" Uhura asked angrily.

"It's complicated," Jim sighed. "Someday, someday probably much sooner than I'd hoped, you'll find out the whole story, as will he. I can only hope that he's able to forgive me."

"Jim, what the hell are you talking about?"

"Like I said," Jim said with a sad smile. "It's complicated. Just trust me that this is what's best, alright?" He began walking again and she followed after him.

"You're not going to tell me what you're talking about?"

"Nope."

"Jim..."

"Captain."

"What?"

"It's Captain now," Jim answered as the door to the bridge slid open. "We're back on duty." He watched as Uhura scowled at him before moving to her station.

The following hours passed by as boringly for Jim as the morning hours had. His nap through lunch, and presumably whatever McCoy was pumping into him, had made him less tired, for which he was thankful. Still, he couldn't help his eyes closing every once in awhile, though he managed to stay awake. He stared at his PADD, not seeing it, but thinking about Uhura's words earlier.

It was almost end of shift when Uhura's voice registered to him. He looked up at her.

"Captain, we got a message from Ambassador Spock requesting transport to New Vulcan."

"Great," Jim said, trying to hide the excitement in his voice. "It'll be nice to see him one... to see him again."

"You gonna fuck him, too," Uhura scoffed under her breath, but everyone heard her anyway. He felt the tension on the bridge as he closed his eyes and pretended not to hear her.

"Nyota, please," Spock scolded and Jim did his best to ignore him as well.

"Right," Jim continued. "How far out is he?"

"Traveling at warp 6, 4 and a half days," Sulu answered him.

"Good, set course, Sulu," Jim ordered.

"Aye, setting course, Captain."

Jim sighed and sank back into his chair. He was glad that the Ambassador chose this time to request transport and he really was looking forward to seeing him once more time, but at the same time he was dreading the meeting. He was positive that the older Spock would be able to know there was something wrong with him; he'd never been able to keep anything from him and he wasn't looking forward to having that conversation. He looked up at the time and noted that it was mere minutes before shift change. He stood up and said he was leaving and gave Spock the conn for the remaining minutes and made his way quickly off the bridge and to his quarters to go to sleep. McCoy could yell at him later for not eating dinner.


	6. Chapter 6

The next few days went by much as the last one. McCoy would spend the night each night and each morning he would wake Jim up and help him get ready before taking off for his own quarters to get himself ready. McCoy had been lucky enough so far to not run into anyone so early in the morning, something that he was grateful for, but he knew that his luck would run out eventually, so he was unsurprised this morning when he ran into the last person he'd ever want to.

Mornings had been getting progressively harder for Jim and this one was no exception. It was almost impossible to get him to wake up, and then he had to all but drag Jim into the shower. He stayed until Jim was finished, because he didn't trust him not to fall asleep or hurt himself this morning and then got him something to eat. He knew that Jim probably wouldn't eat anything, but he got something light together anyway. When he'd finally left, Jim was sat down, carefully sipping a glass of water. He'd made Jim promise to stop by sickbay during lunch for another I.V. before he left, though.

So the last thing he wanted this morning after leaving Jim's room, having clearly spent the night, was for Spock to be outside the door.

"What are you doing here?" McCoy asked.

"I could ask you the same thing, Doctor," Spock said. "I was unaware that you and he were spending nights together."

"Look, Spock," McCoy sighed. "This isn't what it looks like. You've got the wrong idea here, but I don't have the time to explain it to you, nor would I as Jim has asked me not to speak about it, so just tell me what you're doing here, please."

"I was hoping to have a conversation with Jim this morning before our shifts start."

"This is a really bad time for this, Spock. Jim's not..."

"Bones?" Jim's voice suddenly asked tiredly from behind him. "Who are you talking to out... Oh. Spock." McCoy watched as Jim's eyes flashed from tired to confused to excited to pained in just seconds.

"Captain," Spock said, nodding his head. "I was just stopping by to see if I might have a word with you, but I'm afraid the conversation I had in mind would be unnecessary. I shall see you on the bridge shortly."

"Spock, wait," Jim said as Spock turned to walk away. Spock turned back around to look at him. "This isn't what it looks like."

"That's what I keep hearing," Spock said, glancing at McCoy. "However, the visual evidence seems to indicate that my assumptions are correct. If you'll excuse me, Captain." Spock turned around and walked briskly away.

Jim sighed and slumped against the wall. "I really didn't need that this morning."

"I'm sorry," McCoy said. "I was trying to get him to go away."

"It's not your fault," Jim said, taking a deep breath. He really wasn't feeling well this morning; his head hurt, his muscles ached and he was already exhausted. "I don't know how much longer I can do this."

"I'm trying to find something to help you, Jim."

"I know you are, Bones, but that's not what I meant. I don't know how much longer I can see him day after day and not be with him. I can't _stand_ not being with him and now he thinks that I'm with you and I know that this was what I wanted, for him to think I moved on so that he could move on, but I think I made a mistake, Bones. I didn't know that it would hurt this bad. And what was that about? Why was he here? Was he going to try and get me back before he saw you here?"

"It's not too late to explain things to him, Jim. I'm sure he'd understand. You don't really want to wait until it really is too late, do you?"

"I can't, Bones. I made this choice and I'm just going to have to live with it. It hurts, but luckily it won't be for that much longer."

"Jim..."

"Don't, Bones. I feel like absolute shit today, so can you please not try and reassure me right now?"

"Why don't you take off work today, then? Nothing real important is happening and you don't want to overdo things."

"Why, is it going to kill me?" Jim shot back sarcastically. He immediately regretted it when McCoy took a step back. "I'm sorry. I didn't... I don't mean to be rude. I'm just..."

"You're sick and you're tired and your heart is broken and you've made a stupid choice that you can't bring yourself to fix. I get it, but Jim, I really am trying and I know it sounds like a lot to ask, but you need to stay positive."

"I'm trying, Bones," Jim said, a tear falling down his face. "I just wish this was easier."

"I know," McCoy said, reaching forward and wiping the tear off Jim's face and cupping his cheek. "I really think you should take off today."

"No," Jim insisted. "The Ambassador will be arriving tomorrow and I want to be able to spend the day with him."

"Jim.."

"He's important to me, Bones. I want to be able to spend time with him again before..."

"I know, Jim. Stop by sickbay before your shift and I'll give you a stimulant. You look about dead on your feet." Jim nodded and watched McCoy walk away before returning to his room to finish getting ready. He closed his eyes when the door shut behind him and took a deep breath. He couldn't help but think about Spock's visit to his room just moments ago. What was he doing there? His mind jumped back to the conversation he'd had with Uhura the other day. He remembered her telling him how hard this was on Spock and Jim was sure he saw pain in Spock's eyes when he saw him walk out of the room after McCoy. This wasn't part of the original plan, however unplanned the plan actually was, to bring McCoy into it, to make Spock think he'd cheated on him, but if it was helping Spock to believe that Jim didn't want him anymore, then part of him was glad for it. He just wished that Spock didn't have to be so hurt by it... or himself for that matter. But like he told McCoy, it's not like his pain would last for much longer. Soon he'd be gone and wouldn't feel anything at all ever again. He couldn't help but feel guilty that his pain would soon be over, but Spock's wouldn't. He just hoped his plan worked and Spock would be able to move on after he's passed.

Jim stopped at sickbay like he'd told McCoy he would and got a stimulant from the doctor before heading to the bridge. He wasn't looking forward to this at all. Uhura had suspected him of sleeping with McCoy and it would only be confirmed to her once Spock told her what he'd witnessed that morning. The glare he received from her let him know that Spock had already shared the events of this morning with her. He diverted his eyes, not wanting to see the hatred that she was projecting towards him. Jim sat at his chair and prepared for another boring day, but this one, he knew, would be filled with awkwardness and tension. Apparently the whole bridge crew had heard - and who knew Uhura was such a gossip? - because none of the crew would look at him. He was thankful when Scotty called him from engineering to discuss budgeting.

Jim knew that he needed to get back to the bridge, but he took more time than necessary in engineering and talking to Scotty. Scotty seemed to be the only person who hadn't heard about Jim's 'affair' with the ship's CMO... that, or he just didn't care. Jim felt it refreshing to be around someone who not only didn't know about his failing health, but who also didn't judge him on the rumors that have been circulating about him. Eventually, though, he knew he had to go back, and he did so begrudgingly, passing a few people in the halls, all of whom diverted their gazes from him. Jim sighed as he walked on. He had never considered what his crew's reaction would be. Jim wondered what the crew's behavior towards McCoy was, and so decided to take a detour and stop at sickbay on his way back. Walking in he saw that sickbay was nearly empty, with one person in a bed and a nurse checking his vitals. He walked into McCoy's office.

"Jim," McCoy said, surprised when Jim walked in and plopped down in the chair across from him. He left his papers and stood up, grabbing his tricorder and walking over to Jim. "What's wrong? The stimulant I gave you this morning shouldn't have worn off already."

"Nothing's wrong," Jim said, batting away McCoy's hand. "Well, nothing medical. I feel fine right now."

"Oh. You could have said that first thing, you know," McCoy huffed, walking back to behind his desk and sitting down.

"Yeah, yeah," Jim sighed.

"So, what are you doing here, then?"

"Just came to talk. Can't I just come to talk?"

"Not usually, no," McCoy said, raising an eyebrow at him. "Aren't you supposed to be on the bridge? I remember you being quite adamant about the fact that you had to be there today."

"Yeah, I'm on my way back. Went down to engineering to chat with Scotty. The bridge'll be fine for a little while. S'not like we're doing anything but flying through space right now."

"Right. So, you really just came here to talk?"

"Yup. Just came for a chat with my_best friend_." Jim made sure to put extra emphasis on 'best friend'.

"Ah, so you're getting the stares now?" McCoy said.

"So they're doing it to you, too?" Jim asked sadly.

"Yeah, well, it was bound to happen. The captain breaks up with his first officer and starts dating his CMO? Or, well, the rumor is he's dating his CMO. People are bound to have opinions."

"I wish they'd keep them to themselves... at least for a couple more months so I don't have to look at them."

"Jim..."

"I know. I'm sorry. And I'm sorry I've roped you into this. You're the doctor trying to save my life, you shouldn't have to put up with it."

"Just one of the disadvantages of being best friends with your doctor who you just happen to have a past sexual relationship with - regardless of how casual it was."

"I guess. You'll set them straight, right? When I'm... when it's over, you'll tell them, right? Make sure they don't think I'm the horrible person they all think that I am?"

"Of course I will. I'd do it right now if you'd let me, but that would mean telling them the truth and I know you'd never let me do that."

"I'm starting to think that maybe I should. I'm definitely not saying to, cause I'm not changing my mind, I just think it would be easier. I definitely wouldn't be able to keep up with this lie once Spock knew I was... once he knew what was wrong with me."

"I can't believe no one's put it together yet. It's not like you don't go to work exhausted all the time, and you definitely haven't looked your best lately."

"Hey! There's no reason to takes shots at how I look."

"I just meant that you definitely look sick. I don't know why no one sees it besides me."

"Because you know what's wrong and they all believe the story they've been told. Sometimes when you want to believe a lie you become blind to the truth."

"When did you get all philosophical?"

"Always have been, just kept it to myself," Jim smirked. "Have to depart my knowledge now, though, before it's too late."

McCoy sighed. "Jim..."

"I know, I know. I'm done talking. Won't say another word."

"The day Jim Kirk stops talking of his own volition will be the day all the elements in the universe shift and it implodes in on itself." Jim scowled at him, but didn't say anything. "You're really not going to talk?" McCoy laughed and Jim shrugged.

_'Gotta go back to the bridge'_, Jim signed at McCoy, smiling. McCoy shook his head at Jim and laughed.

"See you later, then, kid," McCoy said. "Remember, if you're feeling ill to come see me. Not too much time left this shift, though, so you should be fine." Jim nodded and waved goodbye at McCoy before exiting the office.

Jim walked slowly back to the bridge and when he got back there things were as awkward as ever, though Sulu did attempt to engage him in conversation for awhile with Chekov jumping in midway when Sulu said something that he disagreed with. Jim smiled as he watched them banter. He spared a look over to Spock who wasn't looking anywhere but at the computer screen in front of him. Jim held back a sigh and looked away from Spock when he noticed Uhura glaring at him. The rest of the shift went by slowly, but like McCoy had promised, the stimulant he'd received earlier that day had done the trick. Despite how crappy he felt that morning, he managed to feel well the rest of the day. When shift ended he went down to grab something to eat, deciding to risk eating since he felt well and managed to eat almost the whole plate before returning to his quarters. He sighed when he entered the room. It was almost empty still, except for the bag that Jim had his clothes still stashed in and the few things that McCoy had brought over that he'd need during the night, for himself and to deal with Jim's illness.

He looked into the corner of the room where Spock used to have his chess board set up for them to play before he moved all his stuff in with Jim. He tried not to think about Spock, but couldn't help it. This was the room where their friendship really formed over chess matches. Where Jim first confessed his feelings for Spock. Where they'd had sex the first time. Where they were when Jim asked Spock to move into his quarters with him.

He flopped onto the bed and closed his eyes and tried to drown out the memories that were left of Spock. He couldn't keep thinking about him, because it hurt too much. Tomorrow Ambassador Spock would be here and Jim would have to deal with the fact that he was essentially his own Spock. History slightly different, and much older, but still the same person. He wouldn't let that deter him, though. He was excited to see the Ambassador again. They'd formed a friendship over the years and Jim was grateful to have him in his life. The elder Spock always had stories about Jim's alternate self that Jim always found amusing. He also had stories about his Jim's dad that he'd been told, and though it was a bit morbid, he enjoyed hearing about the man who should have been his father. It saddened him to hear about the family that the Ambassador's Jim had had - the loving mother and father, a big brother that he was close to - because his childhood had been anything but happy, but it was nice to know that at least one version of himself wasn't as fucked up as he was.

Jim opened his eyes and glanced to the clock. It was getting late. McCoy was usually here by now. Jim wasn't worried, what could have possibly gone wrong on a starship that the captain wouldn't have been notified about right away, after all? He _was_ concerned that McCoy was working too hard, though, and he knew that it was because of him. McCoy spent all his free time, when not taking care of Jim, trying to find a cure for him. He'd even given up sleeping in his own quarters, with his own stuff and his own bed, just for Jim. And Jim knew that if he ever insisted that McCoy not spend so much time on him that McCoy would hypo him faster than he could mumble out an apology and tell him not to be a fucking idiot.

Jim closed his eyes again as he felt a headache coming on. He was actually surprised that he had lasted this long feeling so well. Surely the drug that McCoy gave him early this morning should have worn out hours ago? He thought he might ask McCoy about it later. Or not. It didn't really matter. His body started to feel heavy and he was soon fell asleep.

Jim groaned when he felt the bed dip. He cracked his eyes open and glanced at the clock quickly before looking over to McCoy who had obviously just gotten there from work. He was sitting on the edge, pulling his shoes off.

"Bones?"

"Sorry, Jim, I didn't mean to wake you up," McCoy answered quietly.

"S'alright," Jim mumbled. "You're back late."

"Yeah, I lost track of time. I think I have an idea about how to help you, but I need to do more research before I can even start to form a real hypothesis."

"You spend too much time on me," Jim said quietly, almost hoping McCoy didn't hear him.

"Shut up, Jim," McCoy said, a little annoyed. Obviously he did hear him. "You're worth the time I'm putting into this, so just don't give me your crap."

"Okay," Jim nodded and winced. Nodding probably wasn't the best idea right now.

"Your head hurts?" McCoy asked, slipping out of best friend mode and back into doctor mode.

"Yeah, a little. But it's no biggie. I've actually felt really good today. I managed to even eat almost all of dinner."

"Good, that's good," McCoy said. "I won't have to hypo nutrients into you tonight, then. You want something for the headache?"

"No, that's alright. I'll just go back to sleep. Won't even know I have a headache."

"Alright," McCoy said, standing up and taking off his uniform, leaving on just his boxers and slipping on an undershirt before getting into bed beside Jim. When McCoy was situated, Jim shuffled his way over to him and laid his head down on his chest and McCoy began to gently massage his head. It was an unspoken thing between them that this was alright. Especially when Jim's head was hurting. They made small talk until Jim drifted back off to sleep. McCoy sighed as he continued running his hands through his friends hair, soon following him to sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

Just a quick A/N. A couple people have asked me what Jim has, and honestly, I don't have a name for it. The extent of my medical knowledge comes from watching E.R., Grey's Anatomy and House so I'm trying to stay as far away from having to explain this as possible. Besides, I reckon any disease we have now will more than likely be cured this far in the future. This story is more about Jim and dealing with being sick and his feelings for Spock. I hope that doesn't take anyone too far out of the story.

Also, just because I've realized I haven't done this yet: **DISCLAIMER - I own nothing that you recognize.**

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The following day Jim was practically bouncing around the room getting ready - well, bouncing around as much as his tired body would allow him. Despite the fact that he slept well the following night he was still tired this morning and it seemed that the fact that he managed to have a good day yesterday was not going to last through today as well. McCoy held him still long enough to stab him with a stimulant before Jim rushed off to the transporter room to greet Ambassador Spock who was scheduled to beam up in just under five minutes. He made it just in time to see the Ambassador materialize. He was glad that it was just Scotty in the room, so he didn't have to hold back his excitement at seeing the Ambassador. Scotty ignored them as he went about checking the controls.

"Jim, my old friend," Spock greeted Jim and Jim stepped up to him, hugging him.

"It's good to see you, Ambassador," Jim said after pulling away. He noticed Spock gazing at him oddly. "What?"

"You do not look well."

"Psh, I always look good," Jim said, deflecting the statement since Scotty was still standing in the room.

"I apologize. I was not commenting on your appearance as a whole. I admit I had forgotten how vain you could be on the subject," the Ambassador answered somewhat playfully. "I was referring to..."

"I know," Jim cut him off, sparing a glance at Scotty and hoping the Ambassador got the hint. "Perhaps I could show you to your quarters and we can finish this conversation there?" Jim suggested, knowing that Spock didn't require assistance finding the room he would be staying in, since technically he had been aboard the Enterprise longer than Jim had.

"That would be acceptable," Spock agreed. He thanked Scotty for the transport and followed Jim out of the room. They didn't speak until they arrived at the guest quarters.

"You are ill," Spock said once the doors shut.

"Yes," Jim said simply.

"Why have you not been healed then?" The Ambassador asked, concerned. Jim went on to explain what was wrong with him to the Ambassador and how Dr. McCoy was doing everything he could think of to find a cure.

"Perhaps I will consult with him later. My future knowledge might be of some use to him."

"We would both greatly appreciate it," Jim said genuinely.

"How long has he given you?" Spock asked.

"A couple months," Jim answered quietly. "Though, I don't think he's very optimistic about his diagnosis, I'm certainly not. It seems my symptoms are worsening faster than he'd anticipated. Not that he's said it to me, but I'm not stupid. I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me."

"There is something else troubling you, friend," Spock said, a sadness in his eyes as though he already knew what Jim would say next.

"Spock and I... that is, younger Spock and I... we sort of... broke up."

"And this parting was not a mutual decision?"

"Not exactly," Jim confessed.

"Explain."

"I broke it off... when I found out."

"Why?"

"I... it'll be easier on him when I... when I'm gone, to move on if he's had the time to start getting over me beforehand."

"That is most illogical, Jim. If my Jim had done to me what you've done, it would not have made his passing easier on me."

"So your Jim never had anything liked this?" Jim asked quietly.

"I'm afraid not," Spock answered sadly. "I advise you to tell my counterpart about your ailment. He will be able to help you through this. His support might be of more help than you might imagine."

"I know. I regret what I did. I do every morning when I wake up and it's not Spock beside me, but it's already done and part of me still feels like I made the right decision."

"Do you? Or are you simply afraid and have convinced yourself of the fact?"

"I don't know," Jim admitted. "He thinks I'm sleeping with Bones. He thinks that I moved on and have already replaced him. As if I ever could." Jim felt his eyes tearing up and he cursed himself for being so damn emotional lately. He felt himself getting tired and leaned heavily against the wall. "I've tried to tell him that I'm not, but our actions aren't really helping me to convince him... and then of course there're all the rumors going around."

"Your actions?"

"Yeah, I'm always going to see Bones in sickbay and it's usually to take a nap and get injected with drugs, but I go back to the bridge looking more tired then when I left. And then of course when he saw Bones leaving my room yesterday morning."

"Why was the doctor in your room so early in the morning? Were you ill?"

"No. Well, yeah, but only slightly more than usual. But that's not why... I have trouble in the morning, waking up and getting ready, and I don't like sleeping alone, so he keeps me company at night and then helps me get ready in the morning. It's all completely platonic, though."

"I see," Spock said. "You Spock would be more than happy to do those things for you, you realize?" Jim sighed and ran his hand through his hair.

"Yeah, I know," Jim said and started coughing. Spock walked forward and put his hand on Jim's back until the coughing passed.

"You have a fever, Jim," Spock said, touching Jim's cheek and Jim leaned his face into his hand.

"I usually do," Jim said. "Guess yesterday with the stimulant was a fluke."

"I would like to visit the doctor in sickbay. Perhaps I could do that now and you could accompany me?"

Jim smiled at Spock. "Don't think I don't know what you're doing."

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about," Spock said, his eyebrow raised teasingly.

"I told Bones that I'd stop by this afternoon, anyway," Jim said and pushed himself off of the wall. He swayed, his head dizzy, but Spock put a hand out to steady him.

"Alright?" Spock asked.

"Yeah, I'm good," Jim said with a small smile and started walking toward sickbay with the Ambassador.

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Please review. They're not necessary for the next part at all, but they make me happy =)


	8. Chapter 8

I'm sorry this is taking so long - real life is kicking my ass. Thanks so much, everyone, for all the reviews! They really do make my day =)

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When they arrived McCoy was pacing around the room, rummaging through papers that he had in his hand and muttering under his breath. He didn't notice as Jim and the elder Spock entered. Jim held him had up to Spock, silently telling him to hold on. Spock nodded his head that he understood and they stood there watching as McCoy continued to pace the floor and mutter before cursing and walking into his office. Jim laughed and sat down on the closest bed.

"He does that when he's close to figuring something out. He'll be writing down what he's just thought of right now and he'll come back out as soon as he's done."

"I see," Spock said, watching Jim closely. He knew that Jim was trying to hide the pain that he was in, so he didn't comment on it, though he did reach forward to gently run his hand through Jim's hair. Jim closed his eyes and leaned into the touch, momentarily allowing himself to pretend that it was his Spock in the room comforting him. Minutes passed as Spock continued to gently soothe Jim before McCoy walked out of his office. He noticed Jim and the Ambassador right away and though Jim looked peaceful at the moment, McCoy knew that the kid was in pain. He sighed, realizing that the drugs he gave Jim this morning wore off far more quickly than they should have. He grabbed a hypospray before walking over to the bed that Jim was occupying. He nodded at the elder Spock politely before focusing his attention back to Jim.

"Jim?" McCoy said quietly and waited as Jim opened his eyes and smiled sleepily at him. "Wish you'd have taken my advice and rested yesterday yet?"

"Naw," Jim said and it was obvious to both his companions that he was struggling to keep himself upright. "I'm good."

"Sure you are, kid," McCoy said, holding up his hypo and shaking it in Jim's face. "You won't be needing this then?" Jim shrugged his shoulders slightly so that McCoy could get to his neck more easily. "That's what I thought," McCoy said. "C'mon, lay down first," he instructed. "You're barely staying up anyway, might as well get comfortable before I knock you out. And don't worry, we'll bring the curtain around so no one'll see you here."

"So bossy," Jim said as he moved to comply, grateful when Spock helped him get comfortable. "You'd think _you_ were the captain the way you shout orders out to me."

"Yeah, well, someone's gotta keep you in line, kid," McCoy said as he injected the drug into Jim.

"Yeah, yeah, love you, too, Bones," Jim muttered and then looked over to the Ambassador. "You'll come back later? This'll keep me out for a few hours, but I'd like to talk to you some more before you leave tomorrow.

"I'm not going anywhere, Jim," Spock assured him. "I'll be here when you wake up."

"Good," Jim said sleepily, closing his eyes.

"If he wasn't so sick and tired he would have tried to persuade you to do something else instead of agreeing to let you hover over him while he slept," Jim heard McCoy sigh. He must have assumed that Jim had fallen asleep when his eyes closed, but though he could feel the effects of the drugs, he wasn't quite out yet, so he laid there and listened to their quiet voices.

"He's really not well," the elder Spock observed. "He said he had only a few months at most, but he doesn't have even that long, does he?"

"I don't think so," McCoy said. "He's strong and stubborn, so I was hoping that he'd be able to hold on for a but long, but he's been getting worse faster than I'd anticipated."

"And you've not told him this prognosis," Spock said. It wasn't a question, because he knew the answer.

"No, but I know that he knows. He doesn't like to talk about it unless I've asked him how he's feeling, and frankly I don't, either. I've been trying to find a cure for him, but I haven't gotten anywhere. I thought I was on to something yesterday, but it's nothing concrete. I feel so useless having to watch him get sicker and not be able to do anything to help him."

If Jim weren't so close to a drug induced sleep he would have smacked McCoy on the head and told him he's an idiot for thinking that he's useless and insisted that McCoy is the best damn doctor there is. If Jim didn't have McCoy through this, he doesn't know what he would do.

"I'm positive that he does not feel the same way that you do," Spock said and Jim thanked him silently for voicing the words he wanted to.

"Of course he doesn't. He's got too much faith in me... faith that I'm not so sure he should have." Jim head McCoy sigh again. He was starting to lose the battle against the drugs. He was thankful for the relief that he was getting from them, but he cursed the fact that he wasn't able to tell McCoy to stop being an idiot. The last thing he heard was Spock asking McCoy if he could look over all the information that he'd gathered so far before succumbing to unconsciousness.

~*~

When he woke later he was feeling much better. He stretched his arms out and slowly opened his eyes to see Ambassador Spock sitting in the chair beside his bed.

"You're here," Jim smiled at him.

"I promised you that I would be," Spock said, reaching forward and running his hand through Jim's hair and Jim suddenly wondered when it was that he started to enjoy that action so much. "How are you feeling?"

"Better," Jim answered, smiling sadly at the elder Spock. "I heard you talking with Bones before... you guys thought I was asleep."

"You were not supposed to hear that conversation. How much of it did you hear?"

"Enough to know that I need to set Bones straight about a few things," Jim answered. "And I know that I was right in thinking that he doesn't believe I have very long left."

"He assured me that he was going to inform you later on today," Spock said and Jim shrugged.

"You know that it's nothing I didn't know already. I've read up on this and my condition is getting worse too quickly for me to be able to last as long as Bones had at first believed. I just hope that he doesn't take it too hard when he'd not able to save me."

"I believe that that is a false hope. He values your friendship greatly. Even your counterparts from my universe had a strong friendship."

"Yeah," Jim sighed. "I just want him to know that I know it wasn't his fault once I'm gone. I know that he's trying his hardest."

"He is, and when I get to New Vulcan I'm going to have our doctors review your case. You cannot give up, Jim. There is still hope for you."

"I'm not giving up. I'm still going. I still work, I still try to have a normal life."

"And yet your ended relationship with my counterpart seems to suggest that you have given up."

"It's precautionary. Just in case."

"I find you decision highly illogical and don't agree with it in the slightest, Jim."

"Yeah, I'm starting to disagree with it myself."

"And yet you refuse to tell him."

"You're starting to sound like Bones," Jim sighed.

"The doctor and I share the same opinion on the matter."

"I know. Can we talk about something else? I promise you that I'm taking everything you say into consideration, but it hurts too much to keep talking about this."

"Of course," Spock said. "What would you like to talk about?" Jim smirked at Spock.

"Tell me about how awesome your Jim was." Jim detected slight amusement in Spock's eyes as he proceeded to fulfill Jim's request.

They sat there and talked for a few hours and Jim couldn't help but feel sad about the fact that his Spock will never get the chance to be as happy as the Ambassador seemed to have been with his own counterpart. About how his Spock won't be able to smile as he fondly tells stories about times he spent with him. Soon it was time for dinner and Jim found that he was actually hungry, so he accepted Spock's invitation to eat with him. They made their way through the ship in comfortable silence and were soon sitting down with their food at a vacated table and talked quietly about everything and nothing. Jim ignored all the looks that they were receiving, no doubt wondering why Jim could be so happy with the elder Spock, but wouldn't make a relationship with his younger counterpart work. He looked down at his food, losing his appetite, when the younger Spock walked in, but not before they exchanged a brief glance. The elder Spock must have noticed the change in Jim's behavior, because he looked around the room before declaring that he was finished and asking Jim if he'd like to go now. Jim smiled gratefully and rose from his seat, swaying slightly when his head swam, but righting himself quickly before exiting the room without looking at anyone.

Together they went back to Jim's room and set up a chess board to play a game and talk quietly while they waited for McCoy to get off of work. Soon Jim's eyes began to droop shut, feeling exhausted by the day's events. He refused Spock's suggestion to go lay down, however, and stayed to finish their game and knowing for a fact that Spock didn't give it his best shot when Jim managed to win the game. Jim groaned when his head began to pound again.

"You are not well," Spock observed and Jim nodded slightly. "Perhaps you should retire for the night?"

"You leave tomorrow. I wanted to be able to spend time with you, but I wound up sleeping most of the time you were here. This might be the last time I see you and I don't want to waste any of it."

"I understand, but if you're too tired to enjoy the time you're awake then what is the point?" The Ambassador asked and Jim looked down at the table. He nodded sadly and Spock reached a hand forward to cover Jim's. Jim looked at their hands for a moment before looking up. "Would you like me to stay with you?"

"No," Jim said. In all honesty he would have quite enjoyed the elder Spock's company. Nothing would happen between them, they would just sleep, or rather, he would sleep while Spock watched over him, but he just couldn't agree to it. He might allow himself to believe that it was his Spock that he was with and it would just hurt that much more when Spock left the next day. "Bones will be here soon." Spock nodded and assisted Jim when he started to stand and almost as if on cue the doors slid open and McCoy walked into the room.

"Hey, Bones," Jim greeted, Spock's hand still on his arm. "Were your ears burning?"

"What?" McCoy questioned tiredly.

"Nothing," Jim answered and moved towards the bed.

"Now that you are here, Doctor," Spock said, finally letting go of Jim, but making sure he wouldn't topple over first. "I shall depart for the evening." He looked to Jim. "I shall see you before I leave tomorrow." Jim nodded and smiled and Spock left the room.

"You look about dead on your feet, Jim," McCoy said once the doors shut. "What did I tell you about taking it easy?"

"We were taking it easy, Bones," Jim insisted and started to take off his shirt. "All we did was talk and play chess. It was just a bad day." McCoy nodded before walking over to Jim to help him undress. "I can do it, Bones."

"I know you can, kid," McCoy said, though Jim didn't really believe him. "Just helpin' you out." Jim resisted the urge to pout, but allowed McCoy to help him get ready for bed. If he was honest with himself, he really did need the help. He felt like he was going to pass out from exhaustion at any moment. "Alright, off to bed with you."

"M'not a child, Bones," Jim said as McCoy steered him to the bed.

"Didn't say you were. Now be a good boy and I'll read you a story," McCoy said, rolling his eyes when Jim's lit up.

"A story?" Jim said with exaggerated enthusiasm. He climbed into bed and didn't argue when McCoy pulled the covers over him.

"Sure, kid," McCoy said. "Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away..."

"What did I tell you about watching old Earth movies, Bones?"

"You want this story or not?"

"Naw," Jim said with a yawn.

"Oh no?" McCoy asked, his eyebrow raised. This wasn't the first time they'd humored each other with a bedtime story, and it usually amused Jim.

"Nope. They all end the same. The dashing hero gets the guy or girl and they live happily ever after together. Somehow it's not fun hearing an idealistic story when you know your own is going to end in tragedy."

"It might not..." McCoy said, smoothing his hand through Jim's hair as his eyes closed. McCoy knew Jim was almost asleep and wouldn't have lasted through a whole story anyway.

"Yeah... maybe," Jim agreed before curling on his side. He was asleep within seconds. McCoy sighed and stood up, observing his best friend for a moment before moving away to get ready for bed himself.


	9. Chapter 9

I know it's been a long time and I'm truly sorry, but I've been thinking about this story for awhile and I'd still like to finish it eventually. I'm not promising it anymore because it's been over a year since I've added anything to this, or written anything at all for that matter. I'm revisiting it today, though, and I have a few chapters to post. This one's short, but I'm adding 1o today as well. I hope y'all enjoy enough to refrain from throwing rotten tomatoes at my head.

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The following morning played out much the same as most mornings tended to lately. McCoy would drag Jim out of bed, steer him into the shower, make him eat something and then shoot him up with a hypo. All things that Jim was grateful for usually, but this morning he just wanted to get out of the room and find the Ambassador.

"Can I go now?" Jim asked after McCoy injected him with the stimulant.

"Yeah, you can go," McCoy said, annoyed. "And you better take it easy, Jim! I'm not kidding. You find the Ambassador and the two of you find a nice quiet place to chat until he's ready to be beamed down, you got me?"

"Yeah, yeah," Jim said, waving his hand.

"Don't 'yeah, yeah' me, kid. You were exhausted yesterday and you hadn't even exerted yourself. Surely you don't want a repeat of that again today? Especially since you're insisting on working a shift later on."

"Had the whole day off yesterday, Bones. Gotta work sometime. Keep up appearances, ya know?"

"Yeah, I know. Just... don't push yourself too much, alright?"

"Okay, Bones," Jim said sincerely. "I promise I'll be good." He smiled at Bones before escaping out the door and headed towards the passenger quarters where the Ambassador had been assigned to stay. He cam to a halt outside the door when he heard the familiar voices of both Spock's inside.

"I do not understand how you can be so affectionate towards him after what he has done," Jim heard Spock say and he closed his eyes and willed his heartbeat to slow. He didn't want to listen to this, he knew that he shouldn't, but he couldn't make himself leave.

"You are allowing your emotions to keep you from seeing the whole picture," the elder Spock sighed and Jim's eyes flung open. Surely he wouldn't tell him?

"I have seen enough," Spock answered quietly.

"You have seen what you want to see. I suggest you try looking harder," the Ambassador said. "Tell me, does it make logical sense to you that he would end the relationship so abruptly?"

"Jim is probably the least logical human being that I have ever encountered. Trying to fathom the inner workings of his mind would be nearly impossible."

"That may be so, but he is very strongly led by his emotions, is he not?" Jim couldn't see them, but he was certain Spock had nodded his head. "Then I ask again, do his actions make logical sense to you?"

"No, they do not."

"Then is it not conceivable that there is a piece to this that you are missing?"

"If there is, it is not of my doing that I am ignorant of it. He is the one who is responsible for whatever situation he is in, not me. My query is how you can forgive him so quickly and completely for his actions."

"You are hurt, I understand that..."

"Feeling such emotion is illogical."

"Do not try to fool yourself. I am you. I know the range of emotion you are capable of, and I know you're capable of having your heart broken." The younger Spock lowered his head.

"I do not understand how he has just moved on. He told me he loved me. I was to understand that humans take those words quite seriously."

"They do," the Ambassador agreed.

"Then why has he..."

"It is part of the bigger picture that you are missing."

"And you will not enlighten me to the piece that I am missing? You will continue to, as humans say 'beat around the bush'?"

"I am sorry."

"Indeed. I believe we are done with this conversation," Spock said and Jim backed away from the door, flattening himself against the wall, just in time for Spock to stride through the doorway. He paused momentarily to glance at Jim, as though studying him, before briskly walking away.

"Jim," the elder Spock greeted as he walked out the door. "I trust you heard the conversation I had with my counterpart?"

"Yeah," Jim answered and they began walking down the hall towards the transporter room.

"There's nothing like eavesdropping to show you that the world outside your head is different from the world inside your head," Spock quoted and Jim rolled his eyes.

"He's going to be watching me now," Jim said.

"Good," Spock said plainly.

"What? I don't want him to be watching my every move and you've just guaranteed that he will be."

"I will not apologize for what I did. The two of you need each other and if you will not tell him, then I can only hope that he figures it out on his own." He paused for a moment. "He is not as ready to let you go as you had hoped."

"I know," Jim sighed.

"Your plan is not working."

"Apparently not."

"The logical thing to do would be to enlighten him to your situation."

"Even if I decided to tell him, I wouldn't know how to begin."

"You would figure a way." Jim sighed.

"'Oh, the tangled webs we weave when first we practice to deceive'," Jim quoted with a sigh.

Spock quirked an eyebrow at him. "Indeed."


	10. Chapter 10

Just another short one. I know it's been a long time since I posted, but this is the second chapter today. Make sure you didn't miss chapter 9.

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Ambassador Spock left that afternoon and life on the Enterprise returned to normal for Jim. He worked, he slept, he got lectured by McCoy. It was all just... normal. Except, of course, that it wasn't because the crew were still upset at him, Spock still wasn't his anymore and he was still dying. A week passed as the ship floated around the universe without direction. Jim was starting to wonder if Starfleet had forgotten about them out there (while McCoy was thankful for the respite) when finally they got a transmission informing them of a mission.

"You can't go, Jim," McCoy said, looking at Jim like he had just grown three heads. The orders the received from Starfleet were to go planet side for some boring official Federation thing and Jim had gone to McCoy for a stimulant.

"I have to, Bones. It'll be fine. It's just some stupid diplomatic crap. We won't be gone more then a few hours."

"Fine. If you insist on going, then I'm going, too."

"Sorry, Bones. Captain and First Officer only."

"Great, you're going to go off with him. What if something happens? You won't let him know you're sick, he wouldn't even know to be looking out for anything.

"Relax, Bones. I feel fine now and your stimulant will keep me going until we get back. I'm away from you all day when I'm on duty, so just pretend that I'm on the bridge while I'm gone."

"I have you monitored while you're on the bridge, dumbass."

"Really?" Jim asked, surprised.

"Of course I do. I have to know if you need me and since you never admit to something being wrong unless I ask and since you won't let anyone else know what's wrong with you, I have to monitor you to make sure you're alright."

"Why didn't I know you were monitoring me?"

"I thought you did. You're supposed to be a genius after all."

"Right, whatever. Look, I'm going down to that planet and make nice with their leader. Are you going to give me something or not?"

"You know I am, Jim," McCoy sighed. "I just want to go on record saying this is AMA."

"Duly noted, doctor," Jim said.

"I want you to be careful, Jim," McCoy said as he injected Him with the stimulant. "I know you think this is going to be an easy meeting, but you're a trouble magnet and you can't afford to be getting hurt if anything goes wrong."

"I promise I'll be careful, Bones," Jim said seriously. He hopped off the table and thanked McCoy, telling him that he'd see him soon as he walked out of sickbay to meet Spock in the transporter room.

"Captain," Spock greeted him and Jim tried to ignore the pang in his heart that resulted from Spock addressing him so formally. He was starting to wonder if he should have taken McCoy's advice and stayed out of this one. He tried to ignore his feelings as he forced a smile.

"Spock," Jim said in return. "You ready to go?"

"I am, Captain," Spock answered, his hands clasped behind his back. No emotion showed on his face, but Jim could tell from the way he stood that he was feeling just as awkward as Jim was.

"Good, great," Jim said. "This shouldn't take too long. Short meeting and we'll be out of there."

"Yes, I read the report," Spock responded.

"Right, of course you did. Sorry." Spock nodded in acknowledgment as they stepped into the transporter and Scotty beamed them away. They rematerialized on the planet and Jim suddenly felt lightheaded and stumbled. Spock reached his hand out and steadied him.

"Ji... Captain?" Spock corrected himself. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah," Jim said, looking at the hand on his arm once his head stopped spinning. "I'm alright." He allowed himself to look into Spock's eyes, but looked away quickly. He didn't know if he could keep up his lie if he kept looking into his eyes. "Thanks."

"You are welcome," Spock said, looking at Jim with concern. "Are you certain you are alright? Perhaps you should go back to the ship."

"Really, I'm alright. Just got a bit dizzy. I'm fine now, though." Jim's heartbeat increased. This was the most he'd talked to Spock since he broke things off and the first time that they'd touched in just as many days.

"Very well," Spock said, taking his hand off Jim and removing all traces of concern from his features. Jim took a deep breath and made himself start walking away. It had been too long since Spock had touched him and he wanted nothing more than to throw himself into his arms and kiss him, but he ruined that. He had lost the right to do that and the way that Spock turned off his emotions convinced him of that fact. They walked together in silence into the building.


	11. Chapter 11

Because I couldn't resist one more chapter before bed. Hope y'all enjoy.

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Just as Jim had promised McCoy, the meeting was exceedingly boring. He found himself almost nodding off a few times and he was glad that Spock was there taking notes because he kept missing important things that the officials were saying. His eyes wandered around the large room and finally settled on Spock. He missed him so much it hurt and Ambassador Spock's visit hadn't helped any. It just reminded him of all the things that he'd never get the chance to do, of the epic relationship that his counterpart got to have with Spock that he'd never get to experience.

He saw what was supposed to be back when the Ambassador had mind-melded with him on Delta Vega, saw how happy they were supposed to be, how much they would have loved each other. Jim had never had anything like that in his life. His mother wasn't around much and he quickly learned to fend for himself, that no one was going to help him. So he kept his distance from people, didn't allow them to get close because he didn't want to be disappointed when they inevitably left him. Then he joined Starfleet and met McCoy who had his own sob story and they bonded and shared things that they wouldn't ever share with anyone else, but they weren't meant to be together and they both knew it so they decided to just continue being best friends. McCoy had shown Jim that sometimes there are people in your life that wont let you down, who will love you for who you are, so when the elder Spock had shown him what his life was meant to be like he decided that he very much wanted to have that for himself.

He was the one who had approached Spock, had convinced him to give him a shot. He assured him that he wanted him and only him and Spock decided to take that risk. They were happy, they loved each other and they were well on their way to developing that epic relationship that Jim had seen and wanted so desperately, but then he got his diagnosis from McCoy and everything changed. As he sat there thinking about what he'd lost and how quickly he managed to screw things up he couldn't help but feel sad. He wanted to kick and scream and cry about how unfair things were. Why shouldn't he be allowed to be happy? He thought about Spock sitting next to him and how much he loved him and how much he must have hurt him by breaking things off with him. He didn't want this. He didn't want to have to leave Spock behind, but most of all he didn't want to have to do this anymore without him. He'd known from almost the moment he made his decision that he'd made the wrong one, and McCoy and Ambassador Spock only helped to solidify his belief that he was wrong. It was then in that room, being so close to Spock after so long that he decided that he needed to end this. That he was being stupid. That Spock would not want to be left in the dark through all of this and that he would not be pleased after Jim's death when he found out the truth about why Jim had done what he did. Now the only question was how and when to tell Spock.

"Captain," Spock called to him from beside him, shaking Jim from his thoughts. he tried to pretend his heart didn't skip a beat when Spock addressed him. Jim looked up and noticed that Spock was the only other person in the room.

"Oh crap," Jim moaned. "I zoned out through the whole thing didn't I? Did everything turn out alright?"

"You did, indeed. I told them that you were feeling ill. Luckily they understood. The proceedings were satisfactory and the details will be in my report."

"Right. Thanks," Jim said gratefully and stood up. He was feeling tired and achy again and couldn't wait to get back to the Enterprise and to Bones for a hypo and a nap.

"You are welcome," Spock said and Jim noticed him still looking at him, concern on his face for the second time that day. "Jim... are you ill?"

"What?" Jim asked, not having expected Spock to ask him that... or to use his name. "No, I'm fine. Just tired. Nothing a little sleep won't make better." Jim could see that Spock didn't believe him.

"Very well," Spock said and Jim was glad that he didn't voice his disbelief. Jim had decided that he would have a long conversation with Spock, but now was not that time.

"Okay, so let's go then. Sooner we get back to the ship, the sooner I can get my beauty sleep," Jim said and walked out of the room, Spock following him out. Jim called up to the Enterprise and they were beamed back up. This time Jim was prepared for the dizziness and managed not to stumble. He had a headache now and walked out of the room without acknowledging anyone else and headed straight for sickbay- to McCoy and his hypos that he's so grateful for now that he can't believe that he ever complained about them. He got to sickbay and headed straight into McCoy's office, smiling politely at the few nurses he passed who were on duty. McCoy was waiting for him, hypo in hand.

"How'd it go?" McCoy asked.

"I don't know, I kinda zoned out during it. I'll read Spock's notes later... or not. Not like I'm going to need to know any of it pretty soon."

"I wish you wouldn't talk like that," McCoy sighed.

"Sorry," Jim apologized sincerely. He tried not to mention his impending death to McCoy, often opting to allow it to be the elephant in the room between them, but sometimes things just slipped out. Jim knew McCoy was doing his best to try and find something to help him, so he tried to be optimistic around him. "I've changed my mind."

"About the hypo?" McCoy asked, raising his eyebrow at Jim.

"No, not the hypo, although, I think you should wait until we're in my room, cause I don't think I'll be able to make it back there if you do it now."

"That bad?" McCoy asked. Jim bit his lip and nodded.

"Okay, just let me finish up here and we can go." Jim nodded again and sat himself down in the chair across from McCoy's desk as McCoy set about putting different things away. "so what were you talking about then?" McCoy asked.

"Hmm? Oh, about Spock. I'm going to tell him, I just don't know how to do it." McCoy stopped what he was doing and sat down in his chair, facing Jim.

"Not that I'm not happy that you've changed your mind, cause it was a damn stupid idea to begin with, but what made you come to this conclusion?"

"I miss him. I miss him so much that it hurts and being near him today... and then he touched me, just my arm, but I almost told him right then. I'm just so tired. Tired of lying to him, tired of him calling me 'Captain', tired of hurting him. Just everything."

"Great, so you're going to tell him."

"Yeah."

"When?"

"I don't know. What would I even say? 'Oh, sorry I told you I didn't love you anymore and I'm sorry that I allowed you to think I was sleeping with Bones. I'm actually dying and thought it would be for your own good'?"

"I don't know," Bones sighed. "I hate to say it, but you're running out of time to tell him and have it make any kind of difference."

"I know," Jim said quietly. "I'll tell him soon. I just have to figure out the best time to do it." Bones nodded at him and Jim fidgeted in his seat. "Are you almost done? Cause I'm really not feeling well."

"Yeah, sorry, we can go. What's the problem right now? Muscle aches, fever, nausea?"

"Yes, yes and yes. Plus a killer headache."

"Okay," McCoy said and grabbed a few other hypos. "Let's go." Jim slowly stood up and they headed off to Jim's room. It took them awhile, but they'd finally got there and McCoy wasted no time injecting the drugs into Jim. Despite the fact that Jim was drugged it still took him a while to get to sleep, but he finally slipped into a fitful sleep.

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Reviews are like crack. Lemme know what you thought. xoxo -M


	12. Chapter 12

The next morning Jim woke up with a pounding headache. McCoy was already awake and moving around the room. Jim sighed and as he moved to stand up to get ready for the day his stomach churned and he groaned loudly as he doubled over, hugging his middle. McCoy must have noticed because there was suddenly a trash can in front of him as he began to vomit. He didn't know how long he heaved, expelling the contents of his stomach until everything was gone and he was left dry heaving. McCoy was rubbing his back soothingly and Jim leaned into McCoy's side as he struggled to even out his breathing. They both noticed the blood that came up, but neither of them commented on it directly.

"This is it, isn't it?" Jim asked shakily. "This is the beginning of the real bad part, right?"

"Yeah, I think so," McCoy whispered as he continued to rub Jim's back. Jim nodded and tried to control his trembling body. They stayed there for a long while not saying anything, just holding onto each other, knowing that the end was coming soon. Jim pulled away from McCoy and took a deep breath.

"Well, there's nothing that can be done right now and we both still have work to do." He stood up, but then stumbled back into the bed. McCoy reached forward and steadied him.

"Jim, you can't go to work like this. You won't make it through your shift."

"Then I won't make it through my shift. This has happened sooner than I had hoped, I didn't have time to figure out a plan."

"You should still take the day off and rest."

"And then what? Be sick again tomorrow and have to take the day off again? No, I'm going to work today. I can make it and then we'll just take this one day at a time." McCoy sighed and Jim knew that McCoy knew he wasn't going to back down on this.

"Fine, I can give you something for the nausea, but I don't know how well it'll work, and it won't guarantee that you'll be free from pain." Jim nodded that he understood and McCoy continued. "It's pretty dark in here and you're squinting against the light, does your head hurt?"

"Yeah," Jim said. "Quite a lot, actually."

"Right, so nausea, headache, anything else besides muscle aches? Cause you know I can't give you anything for that if you want to stay awake."

"I know. No, that's it."

"Alright," McCoy said, injecting Jim with the appropriate drugs. It took awhile for them to kick in, but eventually Jim stood and walked slowly to the bag that his clothes were still in and pulled out what he'd wear for the day. McCoy watched him get ready, every movement measured. "I really don't think this is a good idea, Jim. You're barely moving around."

"I'm fine, Bones," Jim insisted.

"Don't try to lie to me, kid. I know you too well. And we both know you're not making it through today."

"I'm going to try, Bones."

"Why?"

"What?"

"Why bother? We're out in the middle of nowhere, there's no mission, no orders from Starfleet and I hate to jump on the pessimism train, but you've got about a week left, kid. Why make yourself suffer through this?"

"I honestly don't know anymore," Jim admitted. "I'm going to go to the bridge, though, and I'm going to pretend that everything is alright."

"While thinking of a way to tell Spock, right?"

"No."

"What? What happened to your epiphany last night? You were all for telling him then."

"You said it yourself, Bones. I was running out of time to tell him and have it make any kind of difference. I've run out of time now."

"You can't be serious."

"I am. There's no point in telling him now. I'll just die and..."

"And let me be the one to explain to everyone that I've been helping you lie to all of them for the past month and a half?"

"Bones..."

"No, Jim," McCoy said, his voice raised. "Don't 'Bones' me. How is this fair to me? I've kept your secret because it's your life and honestly, I thought you'd have caved long before now and told Spock the truth, but goddamnit, Jim! Every single person on this ship cares about you and they're not going to be happy hearing it from me that you've been dying and keeping it from all of them and that I've been helping you."

"I'm sorry, Bones. I didn't think..."

"I know you didn't and I get it, you've got a lot on your plate, but Jim, you tell him, or I will. I'm not kidding."

"Bones, you can't.."

"Dammit, Jim, you're dying!" McCoy yelled and Jim took a step back.

"I know," he answered quietly.

"Do you? I honestly don't think you realize the reality here. In a weeks time you're going to be dead. James Tiberius Kirk is going to cease to exist and you want to go on as if it's just another day!"

"What am I supposed to do, Bones? Wallow in self pity, because that sure as hell isn't going to make me better!"

"No, you're not supposed to wallow! Though if you wanted to, I wouldn't blame you. But you ishould/i tell the people in your life the truth. They have a right to know!"

"I don't want to do this," Jim said so quietly that McCoy almost didn't hear him.

"I know you don't want people to worry about you, kid," McCoy said, his voice softening. "But it might make you feel a bit better to get this off your chest. You don't want to die having regrets, do you?"

"You're right, I don't, but that's not what I meant," Jim said, his voice catching. "I don't want to die."

"Dammit, kid," McCoy sighed and gathered Jim in his arms. Jim buried his head in McCoy's chest and allowed himself to cry.

"I'm sorry," Jim said, sniffing. "You're right, this isn't fair to you, or to Spock and I'm sorry."

"It's alright, Jim. I'm sorry I yelled at you." Jim laughed sadly.

"Sometimes I need to be yelled at."

"Someone's gotta keep you in line," McCoy smirked.

"Bones... can you... can you call Spock up here?" Jim asked, stepping away from Bones.

"Yeah, I can do that."

"Thanks... I'm just gonna go clean up," Jim said, indicating his tear streaked face. He walked into the bathroom and heard McCoy calling Spock to the room on his comm. He sighed and stared at himself in the mirror. He had bags under his eyes and he looked thinner and he suddenly understood why McCoy had wondered why no one noticed he was ill. He heard voices in the room and took a deep breath before opening the door and walking into the room. Spock was standing there next to McCoy, confusion written on his face, while McCoy smiled at him sadly.

"You want me to stay, Jim?" McCoy asked.

"No, thanks. I should do this by myself." McCoy nodded.

"Okay. If you're still going to try and work today, come see me before your shift starts."

"Alright," Jim agreed and watched McCoy walk out of the room before turning to Spock.

"What is going on, Captain?" Spock asked and Jim sighed.

"We need to talk."


	13. Chapter 13

I've been trying to post this for days, but I've been so sick, every time I went to I fell asleep lol I'm awake now, though, so here's the next chapter. Enjoy, and please review!

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"What is going on?" Spock asked again. "I came as soon as Dr. McCoy called me, but I am confused by the events that have taken place. Does this have something to do with you not feeling well yesterday? If you needed to take off today, you could have just told me over the comm..."

"It's not, Spock. I mean, it is, but you've got the wrong idea."

"So enlighten me."

"I've been lying to you."

"That is vague."

"When I told you that I didn't love you anymore, that wasn't true. I lied. I love you so much it hurts and I'm sorry that I deceived you."

"I do not understand..."

"Spock, I'm not well."

"I surmised that much after yesterday's meeting. I do not see what that has to do with..." Spock cut off suddenly. "The bigger picture. What is going on, Jim?"

"Spock," Jim started, taking a deep breath. "I thought I'd have more time to figure out how to say this to you...I don't know how to start."

"The beginning is always an ideal place to begin."

"Right. The beginning. So I guess this started the afternoon before we... before I left you..." Jim went on to tell him everything. How he was diagnosed the afternoon that he left, how he's been dealing with his illness ever since, how he lied to him and wanted him to believe that he had fallen out of love with him. It broke his heart to see the betrayal on Spock's face, but he continued on, telling every detail, including his conversations with the Ambassador and his deciding to come clean with the truth.

"So you and Dr. McCoy?" Spock asked once Jim stopped talking.

"He's my friend. My best friend and he's been amazing through all of this." Jim answered, his eyes searching Spock's face.

"I still do not understand why you kept this from me," Spock said as he started to move around the room.

"I thought it would be easier. That if you believed I'd moved on that you'd..." Jim cut off, watching Spock. "What are you doing?"

"I am gathering up your things and moving them back into our room."

"Spock..." Jim started.

"How long do you have left?"

"Not long."

"Can you be more precise?" Spock asked.

"Bones thinks about a week." Jim didn't know what to expect, but it certainly wasn't for Spock to simply nod at him and continue picking up his belongings. "Spock, will you stop and talk to me?"

"What would you like me to say, Jim?" Spock asked, turning towards Jim. "Do you wish for me to tell you what is on my mind? For me to express my inability to comprehend what has been going through your head? To tell you how illogical and... stupid you have been?"

"If that's what you're thinking, then yes."

"How could you possibly have believed that this was the best course of action?"

"I don't know. It was a spur of the moment decision and before I knew it I was too deep in the lie to take it back."

"It is fascinating how your race seems to always choose the most erroneous option when faced with an emotional crisis situation."

"Yeah, we're flawed," Jim said, his eyes downcast. "Spock, I know you're looking at this logically, but how can you just move all my things back into your room?"

"Your idiocy has robbed us of your remaining time together. I will not allow you to continue to keep us apart, nor will I allow Dr. McCoy to care for you in the way that should have been my responsibility the moment you found out of your illness."

"Spock, I'm sorry," Jim said, a tear rolling down his face.

"I know you are," Spock answered, still picking up Jim's belongings.

"I don't know how to make this up to you," Jim said as he watched Spock move.

"It is illogical to dwell on something that I have decided to put behind me."

"But I hurt you," Jim said quietly. This was not how Jim imagined this going. He didn't want Spock's cold forgiveness, he didn't deserve it. Spock's movements hesitated slightly.

"Yes, you did. From what I gather of your plan it was your intention to do so."

"It, admittedly, wasn't well thought out..."

"Indeed."

"I know this is selfish after what I've done, but I don't want you to be mad at me. I love you, and I'm sorry that I hurt you, but I had convinced myself that if you could get over me than it would be easier for you to move on." For the first time, Spock stopped moving and turned to face Jim.

"I could not just 'get over you', Jim. Did you honestly believe that the way I feel about you could be so easily manipulated?"

"I don't..."

"That just because you decided to end our relationship that I could just stop loving you?"

"Spock..."

"You are the most frustratingly illogical human I have ever met, James Kirk."

"I'm sorry."

"Do not be sorry," Spock said and Jim flinched at the harshness in Spock's voice. "As I have said, your apology is not necessary."

"But I..." Jim closed his eyes as his head bean to spin. Spock was at his side in an instant.

"Jim?"

"I'm alright. I'm fine. I just... I just need a second." Spock led Jim to the bed and helped him sit down.

"Should I get Dr. McCoy?" Spock asked after a moment.

"No," Jim answered weakly, his eyes still closed. "I'm okay." Spock raised an eyebrow at Jim, but nodded and, after making sure Jim wasn't about to fall over, continued to get Jim's possessions together. "That really isn't necessary, Spock. I can stay here. I would understand if you didn't want to be with me anymore after what I did. I didn't want me telling you to make you feel obligated to be with me."

"This is not about obligation, Jim," Spock said, but didn't turn to look at him.

"You're angry at me. I can feel it."

"Yes, I am." Spock said. "Though I am more frustrated at the situation."

"Spock, I..."

"Do not apologize again. Your decision was your own, but what has happened to you is no fault of your own." Jim could feel the tears that were beginning to roll down his face, but did nothing to stop them.

"Fine," Jim said with a sigh before standing up. "Then at least let me help."

"I do not require your assistance," Spock said. "You should sit down and rest."

"Dammit, Spock, you can't treat me like a child." Jim insisted, bending over to pick up clothes that had been dropped on the floor. "I'm perfectly capable of..." He stopped talking when he straightened back up.

"Jim?" Spock questioned, turning towards him. He rushed over when Jim's body swayed.

"Maybe you're right," Jim said before his body collapsed, Spock just barely catching him before he hit the ground.


	14. Author's Note

I'm so sorry that this isn't an update. I was really looking forward to finishing this story, and I was almost done, but my computer crashed and I stupidly did not have anything backed up. I know a lot of you were waiting to see what happens, but unfortunately, unless I get the money to get my computer fixed, I'd have to re-write the entire ending, and if I do decide to do that, it'll take awhile. I'm really sorry to all of you who were reading and I really will try to get the rest of this story posted eventually.

-Melissa


	15. Chapter 14

I don't have an excuse. I really don't. I'm a horrible horrible person and I apologize profusely. I haven't written anything in a long, long time, but this story has always been in the back of my mind. This is the longest thing I've ever written and I love it so much, but somehow, somewhere, I stopped being inspired by it. I want to finish it, and at the moment I have every intention of doing so, I just... I don't know how often updates will come. I hope you all will bear with me for the ride (if anyone's still reading this, that is...) and I hope you enjoy this chapter. The next one is almost done, so it shouldn't take too terribly long to get posted.

Jim woke up with a groan as he took in his surroundings. On top of having the worst headache of his life it seemed he had been confined to sickbay.

"Don't groan at being here, idiot," McCoy said. Jim looked over to see that Bones was sitting in the chair next to him. "I don't know what part of me telling you you had to take it easy you didn't understand."

"What happened?" Jim asked, his mind a little foggy.

"What happened was that after being informed of your deteriorating condition you decided to have a heart to heart with Spock. Emotional exhaustion is physically taxing, Jim. You took on too much at once. And to think you wanted to go back to work."

"You're the one who told me to tell him," Jim defended himself weakly. "I don't know why you're getting mad at me," he mumbled.

"I know," McCoy sighed. "And I'm not mad at you, I'm just frustrated with the situation."

"No progress then," Jim stated. It wasn't a question.

"A little, actually. Its like the solution's staring me in the face, but I just can't see it."

"You'll figure it out, Bones," Jim said, reaching his hand over to touch McCoy's. McCoy turned his hand so he was holding Jim's.

"I hope so," he said sincerely.

"And if you can't, then it's okay, Bones. I know you tried your best. There isn't anymore that I could possibly ask of you."

"Don't start on with your crap, Jim. Your my best friend, I would do anything to save your life."

"I know," Jim smiled at him, squeezing his hand slightly. "Hey, Bones... where's Spock?"

"I chased him out of here about an hour ago. He was starting to bug me with his questions. It was after he requested to look over my notes for a third time that I told him to get lost. He's now completely medically informed of your condition, by the way."

"Good. I explained it to him best I could, but I'm a captain, not a doctor," Jim said. "How long have I been in here, then?"

"All day. And before you ask, most of the time your sleep was drug induced. Your body needs more rest than you're willing to give it."

"I just don't want to be asleep for the rest of the time I have," Jim said quietly.

"I know," McCoy said softly.

"You're not going to clear me to go back to work, are you?" Jim asked, though he knew the answer.

"No," McCoy answered. "Spock has already informed the crew - on my orders, by the way, so don't get mad at him - that you won't be able to return to command. Your commanding crew have all been filled in on the specifics, though." Jim sighed and McCoy suddenly felt the need to apologize. "I know this isn't the way that you wanted people to find out, Jim..."

"No, it's fine. I didn't expect to wake up this morning and know I only had a week or so left... all kinds of unexpected things today."

"Yeah," McCoy agreed sadly. He looked up to Jim's stats when there was an irregular beeping.

"So, is it necessary for me to be in sickbay?" Jim asked from his bed as McCoy checked over his vitals, trying to divert McCoy's attention.

"After what happened this morning and then fainting? Yeah. And you're lucky I haven't decided to give you permanent residence in here. Besides, Spock's decided you're moving back in with him, he's busy making sure your room is equipped to make you as comfortable as possible." Jim sighed, but nodded.

"At least you get to sleep in your own bed now," Jim said. "Unless you'd like to join me and Spock..."

"Don't go there, Jim," McCoy said, rolling his eyes. Jim smirked. "Despite it overtaxing you, I'm glad that you finally told him. You need him."

"Yeah," Jim agreed. "I'm glad, too. I expected it to be harder, though. That I'd have to convince him to take me back, but he just forgave me."

"He loves you," McCoy said. "I always knew, but it was never more apparent to me than today. I almost saw emotions from him, Jim, I swear. He loves you and doesn't want to waste anymore time with you."

"I know," Jim said.

"I know you know. Just don't waste more time apologizing to him. Enjoy the time you have left with him and don't spend it regretting the idiotic decisions you've made lately."

"I will," Jim promised.

"Good," McCoy said, nodding his head. "Now, let's get back to the reason you tried to distract me. How much pain are you feeling? And don't lie to me, cause I'm looking at your vitals."

"On a scale from 1 to 10?" Jim asked with a sigh.

"Yeah, sure, cause that's accurate," McCoy said with another eye roll.

"Um, a 3?" When McCoy raised his eyebrow at him, Jim amended his answer. "7?"

"That sounds about right," McCoy said, removing his hand from Jim's finally and getting up to move across the room. He came back with two separate hypos. He explained them when Jim looked at him questioningly. "One's for your pain, the other is nutrients for you since you slept all day and haven't eaten."

"What, no IV for that?" Jim asked.

"Yeah, those weren't actually exactly necessary," McCoy said.

"What?" Jim demanded, wincing when McCoy stabbed one of the hypos into his neck.

"What I gave you in the IV was always necessary, but I could have given it to you in a hypo. The IV just ensured that you wouldn't move around when I wanted you to rest."

"Dammit, Bones..." Jim started, but stopped when another hypo was plunged into his skin. "Ow!"

"Don't be such an infant," McCoy said. Jim huffed. He wanted to rant at McCoy, but the pain medication was already making him droopy.

"We're gonna have a serious talk about this, Bones," Jim said sleepily.

"Yeah, sure we are, kid," McCoy said with amusement as he watched Jim's eyes close as he drifted off to sleep. McCoy smiled fondly at his best friend, running a hand through his hair softly. "What am I going to do without you, Jim?"

"I have found myself wondering the same thing the majority of the day." McCoy turned around slowly. He knew without looking that it was Spock that just walked into the room.

"Seems impossible that the universe is going to exist without Jim Kirk in it, doesn't it?" McCoy said, looking back down at the man sleeping on the bed next to him.

"I have known for some time through my counterpart that I would live many years past Jim's death; however, I never imagined he would be taken from me so soon."

"I'm doing everything I can to make sure that doesn't happen," McCoy said.

"I know," Spock said, moving to the other side of the bed to grasp Jim's hand. "I sent your newest research ahead to the Ambassador. I hope I wasn't too forward in my actions."

"No, no. I was gonna do it myself in just a bit, so you saved me some time, thanks." Spock just nodded that he'd heard the gratitude.

So there's that. It's short, I know, but I need to get back into the swing of things. Next chapter: Uhura and Jim talk. If there's anyone still interested in this story, please review and let me know.

-Melissa


	16. Chapter 15

The next time Jim woke up, it was to Uhura sitting in the chair beside him, reading her PADD. He blinked tiredly at her, watching her for a moment, before clearing his throat.

She startled slightly before placing down her PADD.

"Captain..." she started, but stopped at Jim's scoff.

"It's Jim, Uhura." She smiled at him briefly before her face turned somber.

"I am so sorry, Jim," she said.

"There's nothing to be sorry about," Jim said.

"Please," Uhura said. "After everything I said about you? God, I was horrible. You had every right to report me, to reassign me. It was completely unprofessional, and inaccurate to boot."

"Spock's your friend, you guys have history. I know you were just sticking up for him."

"Would you stop being so understanding? I'm supposed to be your friend, too, but you didn't see me trying to be. I mean, we could all see that there was something wrong with you. I should have asked you if you were alright, at least, but I couldn't get past my pettiness. It was like you were that same hick that hit on me in Crapside, Iowa again. You're not him anymore and I know this, and yet I treated you like you still were."

"It's not like I discouraged you from thinking that way."

"I still shouldn't have acted like that. You should hate me. Leonard, too."

"It's alright, Uhura."

"How can you just blow it off like I wasn't in the wrong?"

"I've recently learned that it's not logical to hold grudges. Life's too short to not forgive people that you love."

"Spock?" Uhura asked.

"Spock," Jim confirmed.

"He never stopped loving you," she said.

"I know."

"He wouldn't talk about it often, but I knew. He was always glancing at you. Looking after you, even though you were doing your best to ignore him. He was so worried about you the other day when you came back from that mission. He knew you were sick, but didn't know how to go about talking to you."

"I didn't exactly make it easy for him. Where is he anyway? I thought he'd be here to spring me from this joint."

"You make it sound like prison," Uhura laughed.

"Have you met Bones? Worse than a prison warden."

"I can hear you!" McCoy shouted from behind the curtain. Jim and Uhura stifled their laughs.

"He was here a little while ago, but there was some accident in engineering, a fire or something. Nothing serious, but Scotty's getting patched up now, so Spock's overseeing the clean up until Scotty stops crying like a girl. He's got your room ready, though, and he's eager to get you settled."

"Hmm, good," Jim replied sleepily. "These beds are uncomfortable."

"You should go back to sleep, Jim. No need to stay awake to entertain me."

"M'not sleepy," Jim said, his eyes drooping shut.

"Sure you're not," Uhura laughed, grabbing hold of his hand.

"Careful, I'm taken and my boyfriend could walk through the door at any moment." Uhura rolled her eyes at him, but didn't remove her hand. His eyes slipped shut and for a moment she thought he'd fallen asleep. She moved to leave when he spoke. "I never thanked you."

"For what?"

"Spock. When we first got together, I thought it'd be weird. That you would be upset with me, but you never were. You were always so supportive. And even the last few months, you stuck by his side. I appreciate that you're always there for him."

"You don't have to thank me. I care about him, but we just didn't work. There was always something more that I think we both wanted. You were that for him. And I don't know, maybe, subconsciously, that's why I was so mad at you, why I acted like I did. I knew you'd ruined a good thing, something I could never make work, and I couldn't believe how stupid you were being." Jim accepted her reasoning with a nod.

"I really thought I could get him to hate me enough to move on and be alright once I was gone."

"For a supposed genius, that was incredibly dumb."

"I know," he replied sadly. "And by time I realized how insane a thought it was, it was too late. I'd gotten in too deep with my deception that I didn't see a way out."

"But he knows now."

"Yeah, too little, too late. I hate myself for lying to him. I love him so much and I don't want to leave him again, but this time I don't have a choice. I did everything I could to try and make him hate me, and it didn't work. How is he supposed to get over me now and move on with his life?"

"He's never going to move on, Jim. You should know that. But at least now he'll know that you always loved him as much as he loved you, and that'll help."

"I just wish it didn't have to end this way. I don't want him to have to mourn me. For anyone to have to mourn me."

"The world won't be the same without Jim Kirk in it," Uhura said. "Everyone will mourn."

"I didn't used to think it'd ever be that way. There was a point where I didn't think I'd make it to 24 even, and the only one's who would be sad about my death would be the bartenders who I gave all my money to."

"You've come a long way from Riverside."

"Yeah…" Jim said, and they lapsed into another moment of silence. "Promise me you'll take care of him. Don't let him get too caught up in that head of his. You know how he is, how he hides his emotions behind his Vulcan mask. We know better, so please, don't let him. I couldn't stand it if I knew he lost his humanity because of me."

"Jim…"

"Uhura." She sighed and squeezed his hand.

"I promise." He nodded a silent acceptance and let his eyes slide shut in relief. He felt her run her free hand through his hair and he opened his eyes to look at her.

"You fell asleep," she said and ignored the surprise at this news in his eyes. "Someone's here to see you." He looked around the room and saw Spock standing by the door.

"Spock," Jim said with tired excitement, moving to sit up. Spock was at his side in an instant and Uhura let his hand slip from hers.

"I'll just leave you two alone," Uhura said, standing up and letting Spock take her place.

"Thank you for sitting with him, Nyota," Spock said.

"You're welcome," Uhura answered with a smile, before exiting the room. Spock turned his attention back to Jim, who was attempting to get out of bed.

"What are you doing?" Spock questioned, his hand on Jim's shoulder.

"I'm getting out of here," Jim answered. "Didn't you come to get me outta here?"

"I have indeed come to alleviate Dr. McCoy of your presence in sickbay, but it is unwise of you to be moving around when you should be resting."

"Come on, Spock, didn't you hear Uhura? I_ was_ resting. Now I'm not and I want you to whisk me away to your castle," he answered, hauling himself out of bed. His legs wouldn't hold him and he collapsed into Spock, who easily held him up.

"Dammit, Jim," McCoy said, moving into the room. "Sit down before you fall down. Don't let me regret letting your hobgoblin take you out of here."

"Bones, I'm fine. Spock caught me, see? I wanna get out of here."

"You are getting out of here, darlin', but you ain't walkin'. Sit down and I'll get you a chair."

"Bones," Jim whined. "I can walk back to my room."

"You can't walk to the bathroom, idiot."

"I agree with Dr. McCoy," Spock said, and Jim reluctantly allowed him to lower him back to the bed.

"Fine," Jim said. "But only so you two won't mother hen me. Not because I can't do it."

"Of course," McCoy said sarcastically and left the room to get the chair.

"How are you, Jim?" Spock questioned quietly, his hands on Jim's shoulders, holding him close.

"I'm fine," Jim answered with a small, pained smiled.

"Jim…" Spock said warningly.

"Spock," Jim sighed. "I'm tired, everything _hurts_, and I apologize beforehand if I throw up on you, because there's a very good chance that I might."

"We will inform Dr. McCoy when he returns.""I'm fine, Spock. This is my life now until it's not and I don't want to spend the rest of it knocked out on Bones' drugs. So I'm not great, but right now I'm fine. I just want to go back to our room and spend some time with you, okay?"

"You will tell me when it is too much for you. When you are _not_ fine."

"I will, I promise."

"That was not a request."

"I know," Jim said, laying his head on Spock's chest.

* * *

Weird cut off, I'm sorry...

I'm so glad that so many of you are still interested in the story. I was overwhelmed by the amount of e-mails I received in response to the last chapter. A special thanks to everyone who reviewed:** MirrorFlower and Darkwind, Elementalmoon, Mockorange7, mjmcca, PrinRhi**, Petulant, **desdi, PrincessQO4, passionfornight, Doni, joeperrysbabe, Khashana, **Guest, **bsarai-sama**, mc, guest, **Kalidris, EvaElisabeth, T'Mar1959** and thank you to everyone who put this story on the favorite/alert lists.

This one was hard for me to write. Maybe still trying to get in the swing of things after not writing for so long? IDK. I'm not too thrilled with this, I feel like it's just filler (I feel like the next like 2 are just filler lol) but I really thought Jim and Uhura needed to have a talk. Anyway, please review. They make me happy.

-Melissa


	17. Chapter 16

Jim sighed as he glanced at the clock for the fifth time in twenty minutes and began wondering if they'd slipped into some wormhole or something without his knowledge. He couldn't remember time ever moving this slowly before. He tried to adjust his position on his bed and groaned as his whole body protested. He wished for the hundredth time today that he hadn't insisted Spock go to the bridge. All he wanted to do was curl up against him, feel his skin under his own, but he couldn't. It'd been three days since Jim had told Spock the truth and he'd spent every second possible with him, but Jim had been adament about Spock at least attempting to go on with his life as relatively normal as possible.

Jim sighed again and wondered if he'd stop making stupid decisions before he died.

He closed his eyes and tried to ignore his pain long enough to drift off to sleep when the door to his room slid open. He sat up as much as he dared a small smile on his face.

"Off work already?" Jim asked from his spot on the bed when Spock walked through the door.

"I left early at the insistence of Nyota who informed me that my presence there was not only distracting, but unnecessary. She ensured me should anything commandingly significant come up that I would be notified immediately." Jim watched as Spock talked, taking his shoes off at the same time.

"Distracting?" Jim questioned with a smirk.

"Apparently glancing at the time and pacing the bridge was 'grating on her nerves', as she said." Jim laughed slightly, which turned into a grimace. "How are you feeling?" Spock asked, taking in Jim's expression. He watched as Jim's brow straightened and he plastered a smile on his face.

"I'm good," Jim said.

"Do not lie to me," Spock said with a sigh and Jim frowned.

"The drugs Bones gave me earlier are wearing off," Jim admitted.

"What is your level of pain?" Spock asked with concern.

"It's manageable, Spock," Jim answered, his eyes downcast. Spock gave Jim a sad look before kicking off his shoes and crawling into bed. Jim wasted no time curling up to him.

Not for the first time, Jim wondered how he could have been so stupid. Being here with Spock made him feel complete. He could almost forget about the pain in his body and the knowledge that he only had a few days left to live. He wanted to stay here forever, in the arms of the man that he loved. He didn't want to leave him behind, didn't want to leave him all alone. The thought brought tears to his eyes and he hid them in Spock's shirt.

"When I was younger I used to think about finding someone to spend the rest of my life with." Jim said after a long time. "Someone that would make me happy and not someone who was just there. Mom was never happy with Frank and I promised myself that I'd never let myself get into her situation, ya know?"

"I cannot empathize as my parents were always happy in my childhood, but I understand your logic," Spock said. "You said when you were younger. Did you stop wishing for happiness?"

"It wasn't that I stopped wishing, I just kinda grew out of the naive ideal. I found that life isn't close to fairy tales and that some people where just destined to not have something like that. And honestly, I hadn't ever expected to get the chance to find something like that. The way my life was going I thought I'd be dead long before now." Jim closed his eyes and a wave of pain overcame him. He took a deep breath before continuing. "I never thought I'd get a happily ever after. And then I met you."

"I am your happily ever after?"

"I thought you could be, but looks like I was right to begin with. I'm not going to live to see my happily ever after." A stronger pain shot through him and he reached his hand out to grasp Spock's.

"Your pain has increased significantly. Do you want to to comm Dr. McCoy to administer more pain medication?"

"No," Jim breathed shakily. "No, I'll be alright. I'm so tired I'll be asleep soon anyway. No need to waste medicine." Spock merely nodded and ran his free hand soothingly through Jim's hair. Jim closed his eyes and didn't bother to hide his tears this time. He knew he couldn't fool Spock. Knew that Spock could feel the pain in his heart, because Jim could feel the pain in Spock's.

Spock didn't leave Jim alone anymore and Jim stopped insisting that he spend time with the others. He felt like he was being selfish, but Jim didn't want to share Spock with anyone, he wanted him all to himself for the little amount of time that he had left. He could feel his body shutting down. Now more than ever. It was getting harder and harder for him to stay awake and when he did have bouts of consciousness, Bones was there administering medication to try and ease constant pain he felt.

Jim knew that people stopped by to see him, and he tried to interact with them to talk with them, but after a few minutes of conversation he couldn't do much more than follow them with his eyes. He heard Spock talking with them after and saw the sad faces that they wore and he wished more than anything that he could hop out of bed and fence with Sulu, or hang out with Scotty in Engineering, or talk about foriegn languages with Uhura, or go get drunk off vodka with Chekov, but he couldn't. All he could do was lay there and watch his friends come in and out of his room, all looking at him with tears in their eyes and saddness on their faces.

He cried everytime one of them left and Spock always lay down with him and pull him in tightly, asking him if he wanted to keep them from visiting, but Jim always said no. That he wanted to see them, even if it took too much energy to talk with them for too long, even though each one of them made his heart hurt more, knowing that they'd be upset when he finally passed.

He fell asleep in Spock's arms and focused of the feel of Spock's heartbeat. He tried to ignore the fact that his body felt like it was on fire and tried to pretend that he and Spock couldn't feel the tremors that rocked his body. The medicine that McCoy had given him had long worn off, but Jim kept Spock from calling the doctor back to administer more.

Jim closed his eyes, fear ripping through him that this may be the last time. That he might never open his eyes again.

But as more often than not lately, the pain woke him up.

"Spock," he gasped out, gripping Spock as hard as he could, which admittedly wasn't that hard. He felt Spock's arms tighten around him, heard him whispering reassurances in his ear.

"God, I don't want to die," Jim said as he buried his head into Spock's chest, his whole body shaking. "I thought that it'd be alright, I hadn't ever intended to live this long anyway, but I was wrong. I don't want to die. I don't want to leave you."

"I do no wish that, either," Spock said, pulling Jim even closer against his body, as though afraid that if he let go that Jim would disappear.

"I was so stupid. I wasted all that time that we could have spent together because I thought it would be easier on both of us. I thought that if I had convinced you that I didn't really want you that you would be able to move on and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I wasted time together, I'm so so sorry." Spock held Jim as he cried, his weak body shaking with sadness.

"Do no apologize for things you cannot change, Jim," Spock said. "I understand your thinking, however illogical it was, and I forgive you. There is no reason to dwell on these things any longer."

"I don't have much time left," Jim said so quietly that Spock almost missed it. "I don't know how I know, but I just do."

"Do not think that way," Spock said and though he had been trying to hold back his emotions for Jim's sake, because he wanted to be strong for him, a hitch in his breathing occurred, though if Jim noticed he didn't comment on it.

"I don't want to, believe me I don't want to, but I can't help it. I wish more than anything that Bones would come through that door with his miracle cure and that everything will be alright, but it won't and he won't. He's been working so hard..." Jim paused a moment when his tears made it difficult to continue. "Will you tell him that it's not his fault? I know how guilty he feels about his father, that he couldn't save him, and I don't want him to feel that way about me. I don't want him to feel bad about something that wasn't his fault."

"He already knows, Jim, I promise you. He knows that you do not blame him."

"Just... tell him, alright. Make sure that he knows that I don't."

"I will, Jim. I promise," Spock said, kissing the top of his head. "You should sleep now, t'hl'ya."

"I'm sorry that you won't get to be as happy as the Ambassador was."

"It is illogical to apologize for things that have not happened yet," Spock said.

"Spock..."

"Jim, you have made me happy. I may not have had as long with you as my counterpart, but I promise you that you have made me happy."

"Yeah?"

"Yes, you have." There was a short comfortable silence when they just enjoyed being in each others arms.

"So... finally admitting to having emotions, huh?" Jim tried to ask playfully, but it came out pained as tears fell down his face.

"I felt it was an appropriate time," Spock answered and Jim laughed sadly.

"I love you," Jim said, his eyes falling closed.

"I love you, too, t'hl'ya," Spock said and just held Jim as he drifted off to sleep, content to lay there with him in his arms.

* * *

He didn't remember falling asleep, but knew he must have when he woke with a gasp. He knew instantly what had awoken him and he turned quickly to Jim who was doubled up in pain on the bed next to him.

"Spock," Jim gasped out and reached for his hand. "I can't... I'm sorry."

"Shh, don't talk," Spock said, getting up from the bed.

"Where... where are you going?"

"I'm just calling for the doctor. I'll be right back." Jim nodded and clenched his eyes shut, rolling his body into a ball and burying his head into the pillow.

"Spock to McCoy," Spock said into the communicator. McCoy answered almost immediately.

"McCoy here. What's wrong, Spock? Is it Jim?"

"He is not well. Your immediate presence is required," Spock said and didn't bother to hold back the cracking in his voice. "Please hurry, doctor."

"Shit, Spock. I'm working on something right now and it's going to work, but I need him to hold on for just a little longer, alright? Keep talking to him, make him hold on, do you understand me?"

"I understand, but I do not know how much longer..."

"Spock, just do it!" McCoy demanded and Spock could hear him banging things around on the other line. The connection was cut off and Spock hurried back to the bed and gathered Jim in his arms.

"Did you hear the doctor? You need to hold on for just a little longer, t'hl'ya."

"God, it hurts, Spock... I can't... I'm trying, but..." he gasped suddenly and his body spasmed. Spock held onto him tightly. "I can't." He's crying and he's trying to be strong, but his body wont let him. "Spock..."

"I'm here. I'm right here. Just hold on for me. Dr. McCoy is on his way and he said he found something, so you need to hold on."

"Meld with me, Spock," Jim requested. He knew he couldn't hold on much longer and he needed Spock to understand how much he loved him.

"Jim..."

"Please?" Spock nodded and held his hand into position on Jim's head.

"My mind to your mind. My thoughts to your thoughts."

The first thing Spock felt was the pain and he wondered how Jim could even be conscious when he hurt this badly. He almost pulled away, but didn't when the feeling changes to love and he got glimpses of what Jim wanted him to see. He saw the day they met at the academy when Spock accused Jim of cheating and though there was hatred between the two then there is only amusement now. He saw the day Spock decided to stay in Starfleet and be first officer upon the Enterprise. He saw the time that Jim first told Spock that he loved him. The scenes got lost in a myriad of images, thousands of them flashing in his mind, most of them happy, some of them sad, all of them of what made up their relationship.

Spock suddenly became aware of the old earth adage of your life flashing before your eyes just before death and he knew that that was what this was. It was all of the important things in Jim's life. He knew that he was dying and wanted to share them with him.

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A little longer than most of my chapters, but I figured I'd left y'all waiting for a long time. This was supposed to be at least two different chapters, but oh well. The end is near. I think one more chapter after this. I'm sorry these things are taking so long, but I don't really write anymore. These chapters are really hard for me to knock out through this awful writers block that I've had for about two years. Hopefully the next, and possibly final, chapter will be up quicker than this one.

Thanks for reading.

-Melissa


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